Permission

<Sigh>

I started therapy again yesterday. It was a new therapist. She was fine. Actually, she was probably pretty good, but I really liked my old therapist, and this one was very different from my last. But, she did get me thinking about my situation, which I guess is a good thing. So what is my situation?

<sigh>

1. I’m a mother to an 8 and 5 year old.
2. I’m pregnant with my last baby.
3. I’m severely depressed.
4. I’ve had to move back to California under less-than-ideal circumstances.
5. I’m having health issues because of my past thyroid cancer, being obese, and being pregnant.
6. My house is much smaller than my previous 2 houses and I have too much stuff.
7. My husband has had to step-up and take on the brunt of household/kid responsibility even though he works a full-day and I’m the stay-at-home parent.

<sigh>

I need to give myself permission to be OK with all of these things going on. I’m too hard on myself and have been beating myself up over each one. I need to allow myself to acknowledge the feelings that go along with each thing and not judge those feelings. Just feel those feelings.

I have no idea how to do that? How do I feel feelings without judging them or over-thinking them? Hmm.

1. I’m a mother to an 8 and 5 year old. Feelings: Worthless. Guilty.
2. I’m pregnant with my last baby. Feelings: Sadness. Dread. 
3. I’m severely depressed. Feelings: Depressed. Angry. Hopeless.
4. I’ve had to move back to California under less-than-ideal circumstances. Feelings: Sadness. Anger.
5. I’m having health issues because of my past thyroid cancer, being obese, and being pregnant. Feelings: Anger. Hopeless.
6. My house is much smaller than my previous 2 houses and I have too much stuff. Feelings: Overwhelmed. Sadness. Anger.
7. My husband has had to step-up and take on the brunt of the household/kid responsibility even though he works a full-day and I’m the stay-at-home parent. Feeling: GUILT, lots and lots of GUILT

 <sigh>

I’m trying not to judge. Just feel. Feel. Feel. No judging. Feeling. Feeling.

<sigh>

 

Embarrassing Weight-loss Past Purchase(s)

Jenny is giving aways a Wii and the new Fitness Board thingy. And because I haven’t embarrassed myself nearly enough here, I thought I’d share my most embarrassing weight-loss purchase… that I bought <cough> twice. Ouch, that hurts to admit.

I bought weight-loss hypnosis tapes. That’s right, take a minute to let that sink in. I was going to lose weight by lying in bed and listening to hypnosis tapes.

Why did I buy them twice? Because they came out with a newer version 4 years later and I remembered how “relaxed” they made me.

You can read about them here. I didn’t pay that much for them. I paid like $70 plus shipping and handling, because I was a previous loser owner. I have no idea how much I paid the first time. They were on an infomercial with “The Mommies” (remember them?) in 2001. I was trying to get pregnant with number 2 and was told my weight was making it more difficult. Enter the late-night infomercial.

Not only did I buy the hypnosis tapes (actually cds), I had to buy a new cd alarm clock so I could listen to them properly.

Hmmm, maybe I’ll start listening to them again. I never slept better than when listening to those things. I am currently having a very difficult time falling asleep. It’s worth a try. Hey, I already own them. Plus, what’s the worst that can happen? Fall asleep better? Lose weight? I’m OK with that!

 

Weight, Birthday, Sickness, and Status

Wow, I had no idea it has been this long since I updated. Hmmm, where do I start?

Weight: I’m currently down a total of 30 pounds!  Yeah me! I went off the Meridia because it was just too expensive and there is some risk to being on it and anti-depressants. I gained a few pounds back between Easter and last week, but I got them back off again!

Birthday: I turned 33. Whooppeee! It was a horrible start to my 33rd year. It can only go up from here (God, I HOPE SO!)

Sickness: We are all sick over here. I got sick the day before my birthday with fever, sore throat and general flu-like symptoms. Scott got the official “flu”– so of course, he was sicker than me. All kidding aside, his illness sucks, I don’t want it. We all got flu-shots this year (Scott included) and he is the only one who got it– I hope it stays that way. Macy and Owen have coughs and runny noses. Owen is almost better, Macy is coughing a lot still. I’m going to see how she does over the next day before I decide to take her in or not.

Status: Scott signed his contract in Orange County right before Easter. Oddly enough, he is going back to his old school in his same position. The district has been very generous and happy to have him back. It is really going to be like he never left. Except for the house situation. Our house went on the market March 14th. We have had moderate activity. It is a horrible time to sell! When we bought this house, it was out “forever house”  because it was everything we wanted, even though it was a little more than houses in the area and more than what we had planned to spend. Now we will pay for that mistake. We put $150K into this house (down payment and basement finishing), we will be lucky to walk away with $50k. It sucks. I am sooooo stressed. I just want to sell this house so I know how much we will be left with so I can know what we can buy in Orange County. I hate this not-knowing! Not-knowing if it will sell, what it will sell for, or when it will sell. I’m a basket case. Here’s the link to our house: http://www.tourfactory.com/409224  Do you know anyone in the market?? Ha!

I promise I won’t be gone so long again!

 

Weigh In

I know I’ve been MIA, but I’ve been busy cleaning and decluttering my house. Thanks FLYLADY!

But, I’ve also been dieting still and I’ve added exercise (finally, my cough is gone). And I’m so excited to share with you all that I’ve lost a total of 20 pounds! Yeah ME!! Long way to go still, but this is the best I’ve ever done! Yippee!!

 

Weight and Tonsil Update

As of this morning, my total weight-loss has reached 15.3 pounds!! Yeah me!! I’m very proud of myself. I didn’t lose any in California, but I maintained my 10 pound loss. And trust me, the way my mom cooks, that is a miracle!! Plus, I had gone off the Alli when I went on the antibiotic before Christmas (could not handle taking 2 pills that affected the last part of the digestive process in such profound ways- way too gross!) And then I didn’t want to start the Alli up again on vacation, because I was worried about having “treatment effects” on the plane. So I started that back up when I got home, but did it differently. Did it slower, waaaaaay slower. I took 1 pill every  other day for 5 days, then I increased it to 1 pill every day for a few days, and then added a second pill every other day for a few days, and now I’m at 2 pills each day. What a difference!! I haven’t had ANY treatment issues. So there’s my Alli update, too.

My tonsil biopsy last week was HORRIBLE! Not as bad as my thyroid biopsy last year, but still bad enough that I never want to do it again. I of course began my body’s “passing out” process after he cut and YANKED the majority of the growth out. I think my vasovagal reaction is weirder than most people who have it because I almost always pass out AFTER the trauma has happened and I think I’m going to be fine. In fact, my famous last words before passing out many, many times were, “That wasn’t bad at all!” Only to completely pass out when I try to get up or move. Practically all my life that I have had such episodes and sadly it is too many to count, but it began when I was very, very young, with my first splinter, continued with each tooth I lost, and progressed to any  shots or blood draws I had up until I was pregnant the first time, at which time it improved dramatically and now only occasionally presents itself with these type of weird procedures and occasional blood draws.  But, true to my form, I almost completely passed out when it was over. Scott thinks I did go out completely because I didn’t respond to him, but I think I only went very close because the doc did recline the chair right away and I remember everything. It truly couldn’t be a medical procedure with me unless I faint!

So, faintly aside, what was very weird about the tonsil biopsy is that I felt most of my pain after the local in my throat began to wear-off in my right ear, the side biopsied. Truthfully, the pain in my throat was no more than a VERY bad sore throat/strep infection. What made it close to unbearable was the pain and ringing in my ear. It was just so odd and unexpected to me, that I called my doc’s office twice to make sure it was normal because it was so much more painful than my actual throat that I couldn’t believe it was normal. It was.

The good news is that I went back to the doc for a follow-up this morning and the biopsy came back “normal tonsil tissue.” However, my doc was very surprised because he has never seen a tonsil produce a white, puss-like polyp before. He was thinking it was caused by a virus, like a wart or something. But reading the report satisfied him because they tested the whole polyp, not just sections, because it wasn’t that big. He wants me to be on the look-out for any other growths like that and just keep on top of it. But, my tonsils were given a clean bill of health. Yippee.

 

9lbs!!!

WHOOHOOO!! I’ve now lost 9lbs! Not bad for not being able to exercise because ANY exertion causes me to go into a coughing fit! How am I doing it? DRUGS!! Well, kind of.

I’m taking prescription Meridia, which is an appetite suppressant that I really like. I haven’t been as hungry or having any strong cravings.

And I’m also taking Alli (pronounced Al-eye, like an ally: friend, someone who helps). Now this has been an interesting drug. It is an over-the-counter version of prescription Xenical. It makes it so I don’t absorb 25-30% of the fat I consume with each meal. If I overdo it, I pay the consequence with what the makers of Alli call “treatment effects.” That’s just a nice way of saying: oily spotting, loose stools, and more frequent stools that may be hard to control. Ummm, yeah, totally gross. In general, the “stool” I’m now depositing in the toilet is interesting, to say the least. Very oily and difficult to clean up and BRIGHT ORANGE!!  However, it doesn’t bother me because it is undigested fat… AKA, fat my body DID NOT absorb… AKA, less calories! I’m cool with that. The problem that I have had that I don’t like is… hmmm, I don’t want to be overly gross, but I do want to document my experience in case others are considering the path I’ve taken. There is no nice way to say it, so I’ll just describe it how I’ve described it to my kids. When I toot, some of that undigested fat leaks out. Basically oily farts. What’s really weird about it, is I can’t feel it happening. Scott can’t believe I can’t feel it. But I can’t, it is so thin, it’s not like water or diarrhea. I’ve only had 2 instances where this has occurred. One was at home, THANK GOD, because it was a bad one. The other one happened this morning while shopping at Michaels. It wasn’t too bad because I realized that I was “tooting” in public and what that could mean, so I caught it early. I’m not normally a “gassy” person, unlike the man I married! But I just have to make sure I don’t toot if I feel at all like I have to have a bowel movement. I think my coffee this morning is what put me over the edge. It got my insides “brewing” quicker than I’m used to and I just wasn’t prepared.

I don’t think it is bad enough to quit right now. I’m happy with my results so far. It would be another issue completely if I wasn’t seeing any results, but I am. Plus, I’m totally changing my eating habits without much of a struggle, and that has always been an issue for me… in fact, that has been THE issue for me and my weight-loss battle. I just can’t wait until I can exercise and bump up my results further!

My next goal: 11 more pounds by the time I fly out to California on December 28th. I know that is VERY ambitious, but with my 2 new friends and some exercise, I know I can do it!

By the way, I have consulted with my doctor about both of these drugs. He is the one who wrote the prescription for the Meridia and suggested the Alli. He feels it is safe for me to take both of these pills and lose 15-18 lbs per month until I get below 200lbs. Once I am below 200lbs, he wants to see the weight come off slower: 7-14 lbs per month. He feels that is a good recipe for success. And I know this plan fits my personality. If I’m seeing positive results, it spurs me on and keeps me motivated. And right now, I’m WAY motivated!!!

 

Great news!!

I’ve lost 4 lbs!! I’m so excited! Yeah me.

 

Current Mood: UP, way UP

I had a great day today. It was almost so great I didn’t write about it. But, as I was about to shutdown my computer, I decided I had better write about it to see if writing would help me figure out what the “magic formula” was and/or so I could document that I do have good days– despite what I tell myself in the depths of despair.

So it started with me getting to sleep in until 8:45. I love it when Scott is off! The only reason I even got up at that time was to inform the kids as to the whereabouts of their snow gloves. We had a great little layer of snow last night and some flurries until about 10:30 this morning. This was a perfect snow because our street and driveway were melted on their own by 1pm. No shoveling necessary– BONUS!

I came down the stairs just as the kids were going outside. I checked my computer/internet junk and remembered that Enchanted started today. First and cheapest showing was at 10:10. I asked the kids and Scott if they wanted to go, which of course they did, so I got in the shower. I weighed myself before getting in the shower and it was a depressing number (249.9!!) which helped to confirm my resolve to lose weight.

We got to the theater just as the previews started. We shared a medium popcorn and two drinks– I love that our theater lets us get free refills on any size soda and popcorn, although it is tough to get up in the middle of a movie to go get them! Macy and I LOVED the movie. Scott didn’t care for it and kept wanting to escape to sneak into Fred Claus. I think he would have done it if Owen would have gone along with it, but Owen found parts of Enchanted extremely entertaining and the other parts weren’t as important as HOW HUNGRY HE WAS. (“Don’t you know I’m going to DIE, Mommy, if I don’t get some REAL food?!”)

Anyways, I really liked Enchanted. It was silly and funny and totally implausible, but I did enjoy myself. It truly was a real-life fairy tale. Of course, it probably didn’t hurt that Patrick Dempsey was in it– I love me some Dr. McDreamy!

So then we went home and ate lunch, while I started homemade chili for dinner. I went to snuggle Owen to sleep for his nap and was quite prepared to take one myself, however I wasn’t super sleepy and my HORRIBLE cough decided to strike again. (I must say this is the weirdest cough I’ve had in recent memory. I’m not coughing throughout the day, but about 6-8 times per day I will go into a coughing fit that leaves me gasping for breath in between coughs, peeing my pants (!), and a couple times already, I have coughed so hard I threw up. But when I’m not coughing, I’m TOTALLY FINE. Very weird. The only thing that seems to help is puffing on my inhaler during a fit.)

So I got up from snuggling my cute, little boy and went down stairs to straighten up the house. This is the first time since early in our marriage that I actually want to decorate for Christmas. There have been a few years, in the very recent past, that I didn’t even want to do it but I HAD to because of the kids. So I started cleaning up the house so I can decorate tomorrow, because I have this weird rule about decorating a dirty house– I just can’t do it.

So I made corn bread and yummy rice (just like my mom’s) to go with the chili. Dinner was delicious! After dinner, I made a salad and sweet potatoes to take tomorrow to Thanksgiving dinner at our friends’. I did a craft with the kids. I used our new electric pencil sharpener to sharpen ALL the colored pencils and writing pencils in the house– at least 100! (But BOY, will it be nice not to have to hear that there are no sharp pencils anywhere!)

Macy and I danced and sang away to Laurie Berkner, which was probably the highlight of the day. We used to listed to the Victor Vito cd all the time when Owen was first born and she was 3. We knew all the words and hearing it again was awesome! I really love Laurie’s music, voice, etc.– in fact, I wish she didn’t just do children’s stuff. It was listening to her cd and dancing and bopping about that made me realize what a good mood I was in. I think part of me associates good feelings with that cd and just hearing it made me feel happy.

So Scott and the kids went to bed at 8:45, and I stayed up to finish the sweet potato casserole. I’ve still got a bit of a mess to clean up in the kitchen, but after no nap today, I’m going to bed as soon as I hit “Publish.”

I think one of the reasons I’m pretty pleased with my mood being so good is that I’ve been off the Eff*xor (anti-depressant) for over a month now, and deep down I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it hasn’t. I’ve been feeling great- normal, even! I have times when I’m down, but it is clearly not the depression, so I’m able to cope. And even tonight when I was feeling so good, I had to stop and ask myself, “Am I manic?” and the answer was clearly NO, I was just having a good day and enjoying time with my family.

Man, I hope this is my future!

 

Why I hate being FAT

1. Don’t like to look at myself (in mirror or photos) 
2. Ugly clothes are my only option
3. No energy
4. It is uncomfortable being this large
5. People discount my opinions
6. Embarrassment to my husband and kids (and myself)
7. Worrying about how long I can live like this
8. DIABETES (still don’t “officially” have it… but too close for my comfort)
9. Sexual dysfunction (at least I hope that’s why)
10. Fear of pregnancy complications (No, I’m not pregnant yet, and we’re going to not start trying until I’ve lost a significant amount of weight)
11. Self-loathing

But the real question is: AM I READY TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT????

I have been fat for so long now that I don’t remember what it is like to not be fat. I guess it feels comfortable, even though I’ve beginning to  have some real comfort issues.

Scott told me the “real” reason he doesn’t want another baby is because of my weight. I thought he meant about the concerns of being obese and pregnant, to which my typical response is, “I was only 30lbs less when I was pregnant with both kids and they’re healthy!” Well, that’s only part of the concern. He’s worried about me being around long enough and him having to do it by himself. He’s worried about how little energy I have and how little I’ll have when there’s a new kid to take care of. He’s worried I will be diabetic during pregnancy. He’s just plain old worried.

Truth be told, I am too. I didn’t have any responses to his concerns. What could I say?They are all valid. He’s right (that’s PAINFUL to admit).

I want to do it. But the doubt that I can is HUGE! How can I do it if I don’t think I can? More importantly, how can I believe in myself to do it?

Does that matter? Can’t I just start? Will the believing come later?

Just thinking about doing it makes me mourn the loss of food. I love eating. <sigh>

Do I need to get help? Where do I go? My doc gave me a Rx for Mid#rn@, will that help? I can’t do WW again (4th times the charm? NOT). How much of the diet industry is really helpful besides just taking my cash?

I’m just going to start. Today… well, actually tomorrow, since it is after 9pm and I am done eating for the day.

I’ll go do the elliptical for as long as I can tonight, which won’t be long considering my hacking cough. But something is better than nothing.

 

Labor Day 2007

Well, it was fun until I ended up in the emergency room with chest pain at 3am this morning.

We had a neighborhood block party. There was a lot of rain and A LOT of drinking (vodka shots and some mixed drink in a big cooler.)

We got home at 10pm. I was really, really drunk- more drunk than I can remember being in a very, very long time. So all night I kept getting up to pee and try and throw up. I really wish I could have thrown up because it would have helped me feel better.

At 1am, after unsuccessfully trying to throw up for the tenth time, I got into bed and started having chest pain. I couldn’t take a deep breath and the center of my chest ached. It lasted quite awhile. I was worried, Scott was even more worried. He called 911 and Ann to come stay with the kids.

Taking me, a 240lb woman, down the stairs in the “stair chair” was probably the most humiliated I’ve been in a long time.

Got to the hospital about 3am. Didn’t leave until after 6am. Not bad time-wise, really. Of course, I felt better as soon as I got in the ambulance, but there was no turning back. After 2 EKGs, a chest xray, lab work, and a CAT scan I was sent home with the diagnosis of “Acid Reflux” from the alcohol. If I had thrown up, this probably wouldn’t have happened. Great to hear.