Adoption Update

Well, after all the early drama of being contacted by my birthmom, things have settled down quite nicely. It is important to note, the drama was all mine and completely self-imposed and created.

I have really enjoyed getting to know “Kathy.” I’m glad it happened the way it happened. The only thing I would have changed would have been the way I told my mom (adopted mom). Telling her is what contributed to the extra stress and drama I experienced. I don’t think I could have kept it a secret from her for very long, and I don’t know that anything would have made it better for her (which in turn would have made it easier for me), but I shouldn’t have told her I was contacted by Kathy until much later, when I knew how I felt about it. But that is in the past now and I still have to balance how much to tell my mom. (Trust me, I lean towards telling her nothing most of the time.)

Anyways, Kathy is an amazingly interesting woman whom I am glad to be related to. I don’t feel an intense, biological ”connection” to her, but there has been something very nice about knowing someone biologically related to me. We talk about once each week on the phone and will email a couple times per week. I feel like we are developing a nice friendship. She knows I am not looking for a new mother.

I think it is fairly safe to say that she definitely feels more of a connection to me and she has been amazing about not being pushy. She is definitely letting me set the pace of our relationship. As a mother myself, I completely understand where she is coming from and respect her immensely for being patient and waiting until things calm down for me. I mean, who could have predicted that when she chose to find me it would be during such an incredibly crazy time in my life: moving, baby, lifestyle, etc?? No one. But it is what it is and we are working around it.

We are setting up a date to meet in person sometime in May. She is going to come down here for a visit. I am looking forward to meeting her, but not to the balancing act I will have to negotiate with my mom. I am trying to take the same approach with my mom about everything Kathy-related: IT IS NOT ABOUT HER (a-mom), IT IS ABOUT ME AND KATHY. Although my mom feels very threatened and nervous about the whole thing, that is just her really wishing she could control the situation or erase the situation completely- which she can do neither. All I can do is be matter-of-fact about things and only share with her things I want to share. Although, my mom better realize soon that the more she tries to find fault with Kathy and the things I tell her about Kathy, the less I will share with her. So it will come down to what is the stronger desire for my mom: her need to know some of what Kathy tells me OR her need to make herself feel better by putting Kathy down. Hmmm. I don’t think my mom would like those two choices. But again, I am in the driver’s seat here.

So, that is the update for now.

 

Adoption Saga: 1st Phone Call Recap

12/23/2008: Patty called me at 6pm on the dot. She told me she was going to put me on hold and then I would hear Kathy’s phone ring and we would all be on the line. The first part of the phone call was with Patty and Kathy and I. It lasted 38 minutes. Patty introduced us and Kathy started crying. She said I sounded like her. Kathy asked about my children and their names and spellings. She asked about my pregnancy.

Then Patty went over her 3 areas: Time Frames, Communication, and Etiquette.

• Time frame was about how we would each feel in the short and long term. For example: there are normal feelings of being overwhelmed for the adoptee that can manifest itself with anxiety and withdrawal over the first 6 months. She wanted Kathy to be aware that might happen and understand it is not uncommon, that way we can both recognize it if it happens to me. 
• Communication was Patty’s advice for some guidelines to how often we should talk. She advised for the first month we don’t talk for more than an hour at a time, twice per week. She advised that we set appointments for our phone calls until we learn each others schedules and routines. She said email can be in addition to the phone calls, but don’t make them too long and wordy. She said definitely send pictures to each other as soon as possible.
• Etiquette was about 3 topics we should not talk about for the first year: politics, religion, and financial habits. She also went over what to call each other. She explained that I might not be comfortable calling Kathy “mom” right away or ever. She said some people come up with unique names for each other. She asked if Kathy was OK with me calling her “Kathy,” since that was what I expressed being comfortable calling her. She said it was fine. I’m really glad Patty went over this subject, it just really put this delicate issue out there and let us address it right away.

Overall, the entire time the 3 of us were on the phone the tone was very light-hearted and kind of jovial. Most of my nerves were settled by the end of the first part of the conversation. We also had exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. When Patty’s part was done, we all hung up and Kathy called me back.

Kathy called me right back. We ended up talking for a little over 90 minutes. It was very, very nice. We went back and forth with questions and answers, sometimes both of us started talking at the same time. She usually let me go first. Several topics were started which lead to another topic, which meant having to go back to the first topic after the second tangent was completed. But it all felt very natural. The whole time I kept thinking, “I can’t believe I am talking to her! She is a real person!”

One of the first things Kathy shared with me was that she never saw me. She didn’t think she should look at me. That was one of her biggest regrets. She also didn’t know what I was named. She said that if she had kept me she was going to name me Jessie Ann. The only name she ever saw was: Baby Girl XYZ (her last name).

I asked her about how she found my family and she confirmed the story my mother had told me. In fact, the lady I knew as Aunt Helen was actually her godmother, and she called her Aunt Helen too! I shared with her my memories of Aunt Helen’s home, including these silly penny banks she had that my brother and I loved to play with. She too remembered playing with them. I told her that Aunt Helen’s funeral was the first funeral I ever attended. She explained how Helen and her husband, Hugo, had become friends with Kathy’s parents when Hugo and her dad worked together. She also shared how Hugo disowned her father as a friend when he left her mother and her when she was a young girl. Even more interesting is that Hugo and her mother lived together as a couple the last 20 years of her mother’s life! They never got married because her mother had been married 3 times before and never wanted to get married again. However, that was an unfortunate choice because when her mother developed Alzheimer’s disease, Hugo was very limited in what he could authorize on her behalf, since Kathy lived out of state. Also an interesting aside, when her mom was put in a care home, Hugo asked Kathy if she knew any single woman who would cook, clean, and take care of him! Men! Ha, so fearful of being alone!

I asked if she had any siblings and she said she has a half brother from her mom’s side whom she stopped talking to years ago. And she also has a half sister from her dad’s side, that she knows about, but she also doesn’t have contact with her.

One of the first things she asked me is about motherhood. I thought that was interesting. I told her it wasn’t easy, but it was definitely rewarding. She told me that she had a tubal ligation in her 20s because she didn’t want to have other kids to replace me. She then said something about my dad, Chuck, having also had a vasectomy, but I either don’t remember why or she went on because I asked questions about him.

Turns out Chuck was a couple years older than her and was seeing another girl when she got pregnant with me.  She said they had been high school sweethearts, and she still considers him one of the great loves of her life. They continued to date after I was born, off and on, for what sounds like several years. She said her mom liked Chuck until she got pregnant with me and then never liked him since. She said Chuck’s sister didn’t like her later on because she (the sister) felt like Kathy never really let him go during their “off again” times. She said Chuck’s dad was a cool guy who was full Pechanga Indian. His mom was fair skinned and had blue eyes. She thinks my kids’ red hair may have come from her side. She said he talked to her 8 or 9 years ago and asked if she ever contacted me. She also spoke with him before Thanksgiving and said he was very aloof with her and said something about not wanting their past to be their future. She got the message he didn’t want to talk to her. I asked if she thought he’d want to hear from me and if that should come from her or me. She said she honestly didn’t know. Later on I mentioned my issues with depression and she said that she thought Chuck was prone to it too.

I told her about my history with thyroid cancer. I told her about my moving to Colorado and back and how that has personally affected me in many ways. I talked about my education and days of teaching high school. I explained why I didn’t think I was going to go back into the classroom, but was keeping my options open. Turns out she works in the education field in Washington. She works for the University and, I think, the credentialing office, but I didn’t write that down. But she definitely understood my frustration with the teaching profession. She was very knowledgeable about it.

She told me she loves animals and used to own horses. She wanted to be a vet at one time. I told her that I also wanted to be a vet when I was a little girl. I think she really liked that. She told me about the animals she currently owns (bunnies, chickens, cats (?), and would like some goats in the near future). I told her we were dog people now, since we put Timber down last year. I told her how growing up I wasn’t allowed pets, except for my newt. She got a kick out of that.

She is very artistic. In addition to designing jewelry (something Patty liked to talk about), she writes and plays folk music and plays African Drums with a performing group. She said when she first found out my name she wrote a song about me. That made me feel a little uncomfortable because what do you say about that? I’ve never had anyone do or say that to me. She said Chuck had an excellent voice and was very good at guitar. She said she thought he had what it takes to make something of himself with it. She asked about my artistic/musical side. I told her I didn’t consider myself such, but used to be pretty decent at the clarinet in high school. I also said that my kids are very interested in music and maybe this is what I needed to hear to encourage them a little more in that area.

I asked if she thought of me on my birthday and she confessed that while yes, she thought of me, she had gotten the date wrong! Oops. She said she had thought it was March 11th, not April 11th. She doesn’t know why or when she started thinking of it wrong, but thinks that maybe I was due in March and came late and that’s why that date stuck with her. To be honest, that’s a little disappointing that she didn’t know the day I was born, however listening to her talk about some of her memories from 33 years ago sounds a lot like how I remember things. It’s hard to explain. Details get fuzzy, but emotion and intention and there. She didn’t explain it that way, but I found myself understanding that her memory probably works like mine. Also, she was 17. Hello, my memories of 17 are not very clear, to say the least. I have to also imagine that for many years she blocked a lot of stuff out, too, which isn’t going to help with the remembering.

She asked a bit about my adopting family since I shared that my mom was not happy that Kathy contacted me. She said she would never want to cause my mom pain since she values and appreciates the life and love she gave me. I told her a little bit about my mom’s worries when I was growing up that Kathy would come knock on our door to take me back. I told her that my mom always appreciated that Kathy picked them to raise me (even though, through my conversation with Kathy, it was obvious that her mother was the driving force behind my adoption. Kathy’s mother knew about my parents wanting a baby and sort of set the whole thing up. Kathy seems to remember being pretty powerless over the whole thing.) I told her that my mom was an excellent mother, regardless of the issues we have now. I shared with her that my mother’s only hope and dream was to be a good mother and that she has set the bar very high for me. It wasn’t too awkward talking about my mom with her because it seemed she was genuinely happy that I had a good childhood.

Her sense of humor seemed similar to mine in its self-deprecating way, however, I got the distinct feeling she is much more self-confident than me (not a hard thing to accomplish). But she called herself “granola woman” and something else about sunflower child or something like that to indicate the way she lives. Evidently her chickens aide in the composting process? Composting and chickens are something I don’t pretend to know a thing about!  She also quoted Mark Twain about being a bad speller (she and I both consider ourselves bad spellers). I just LOVED that!

As we were over our hour limit already, she asked me a question I wish I could answer, “What are your hopes and dreams?” I think it is mainly a testament to my really rough last 6 months that I just don’t know anymore or if I ever knew. That is a question that I think is the key to my happiness and one of the reasons I have been so miserable is because I don’t know what I want anymore. I didn’t get into all of it with Kathy, but said that is a question I am trying to answer for myself right now too. I told her part of the answer is that I hope I am a good mother, but I know that is not my only desire, but it is the most important one right now.

All and all it was an awesome conversation. I got off the phone feeling sky-high with good feelings. We made an appointment to talk this Saturday at 10am. Less than 2 hours after I was off the phone I had an email from Kathy with a link to some photos she had collected of herself and 2 of Chuck. I then found a few pictures on my computer of me and the kids and sent those to her. I apologized and explained that I don’t hardly have any pictures of myself alone because I have not been happy with the way I’ve looked for the past several years. I shared with her that I hoped she wouldn’t be disappointed in how I looked.

 

Adoption Saga: Reaction to 1st phone call

Oh my, Oh my! I just got off the phone with bmom Kathy and it was AWESOME!

It was kind of like I knew her all my life– never thought I’d say those words. It was slightly awkward at some points, as I expected, but not overly so. It was better than I could have expected. It was surreal– which was exactly the word Patty said it would be for the first 3 weeks or so.

I am still trying to process everything, and plan on writing a re-cap of the first call because I took lots of notes. But right now, I am just sooooo exhausted. I didn’t get my daily pregnancy indulgence- AKA: my nap– because I was so nervous/worried about how the phone call would go. So now it is after 10pm and I am exhausted. I have a feeling I will not sleep easily, just because I have so many thoughts racing through my head, but I have to try!

 

Adoption Saga: Telling my Mom, sort of.

So, I didn’t want to tell my mom about my appointment to talk with bmom (Kathy) on the phone tonight. However, I needed to ask her if there was any information she could tell me, that’s not part of public record, that would help me identify this woman as my birthmom. You know, information that only my biological mother would know so that I could be sure of everything before I get involved. Also, to rule out a scam, although I haven’t been asked for any money, so what’s the chances of a scam being run without asking for money? Well, zero, besides just a cruel, cruel person. I don’t get the feeling that is what I’m dealing with, but I wanted to make sure I had some info that only my biological mother could verify.

I gently brought up with my mom that I told Patty (searcher lady) that I would communicate with Kathy via email after the first of the year. I explained to my mom that I’ve done a lot of research on adoptee/birthfamily reunions and that it would be helpful if she could tell me some information so that I could verify that Kathy is who she says she is.

I told her that I thought maybe I could ask Kathy about my birthmark. (It is in a hidden place.) My mom said, ”No, she won’t know about that. I was told by our lawyer that she didn’t even want to see you after you were born.” Really? How can that be? Hmm, got me thinking that bmom Kathy may have more issues than I even know about.

So then I asked what else would be only something the real Kathy would know? She mentioned the family that knew her family and my mom’s family, the way she was brought together with my family. I said, “Oh, the XYZ family?” And my mom was shocked that I knew. She didn’t remember telling me the connection between the families. I reminded her of when she told me several years back, and she still didn’t remember. Oh well, what can I say? She’s is losing it a bit.

I got the spelling of this family’s name so that I can verify how the two families came together. I asked my mom,

“Will she know this family’s name?”

“Oh yeah, if it is her, she will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Her mom and the mom of this family were friends. And believe me, she’ll know.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me that I’m going to find out?”

“No, not really. I just want you to hear it from her. I’m sure she will know XYZ family. You know, I just don’t think this is right?”

“What isn’t right?”

“I just think a birth family, especially the mother, has no right to contact the child.”

“Really? Even if I’m not a child anymore?”

“NO, No, I know, but she signed away her rights to you. I think it is different if the child seeks out the parents.”

“Well, I’ll have to see, but I’m glad she did it if it was something she wanted to do. I think she does have a right to find me, now that I’m an adult.”

“I just don’t. That’s why it was a closed adoption. How would you feel if Macy or Owen wanted to meet someone like this that would hurt you?”

“Uh, Mom, that’s impossible. Totally different.”

“No, just think about it.”

“I can’t, Mom. You know I’ll never understand how you feel about this on a personal level, I can just try to put myself in your position, which I have done, but I’ll never truly know. You know that I will always love you, right? That you are my mother, no matter what?”

“Yeah, I know. I just think this is so intrusive.”

“I know, but I’ve always been curious, I hope it will be good for me. I would have never sought her out because of the fear of being rejected by her, which is what a lot of birth mothers do, you know, if they are contacted by their child given up to adoption.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just never wanted to hear that I wasn’t wanted again.”

“But we wanted you.”

“I know, but some people think there are psychological impacts that last for life when a child is “not wanted” by their biological mother. It’s been suggested to me by many of my therapists, however, I don’t think that is necessarily one of my issues. But what if it is?”

“I know. I just hope you get what you need from it. I don’t want you to get hurt or disappointed.”

“I know, Mom. I won’t. I don’t have any expectations and I’m not looking for a relationship with this woman.”

“OK. Be careful.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

I think it is good that we talked a little bit about it. She does sound a lot better about it than she did Thursday night, but she is definitely not happy about it.

The only other weird thing she said was when I asked about if she remembered the lawyer’s name. She said she had paperwork and receipts with the lawyer’s name on it still, because she wrote the check out to him for her (Kathy). ?!?! Did she pay Kathy for me? Hmm. I know that is possible in a private adoption, and I know she borrowed money from my dad’s mom to pay for the adoption, but I always assumed that was for the cost of the lawyer and going to court. Not quite sure how I feel to learn that I may have been paid for. Hmm. I’ll have to think on that later after I hear what Kathy has to say tonight.

I’m getting nervous. I need to go write down some questions, so I don’t forget what I want to know.

 

Adoption Saga: The Decision

I decided I want to talk to my bmom. I decided I don’t want to wait.

I realized the only reason I wanted to wait was so that I wouldn’t cause any stress for my mom. But then I realized that this would be stressful to her no matter when it happened. Plus, is it really about her? As close as she thinks we are and as close as she wants us to be, this isn’t about her. This is about me finding answers to my past that she cannot answer. This is about my identity. This is about ME and that is OK!

Do I wish this wasn’t painful to her? Of course. Do I think this is going to change the relationship she and I have? No, I hope not. The only thing that will change is if she lets it change because of her insecurities and worries. There is nothing I can do other than continue to love her as I have always loved her. I hope she will do the same for me.

That being said, am I going to tell her about my appointment to talk with bmom tomorrow night at 6pm? HELL NO! She hasn’t asked me anything for a couple days, but I know she will soon. And when she asks me, I’ll tell her either I haven’t made a decision yet or that I gave my bmom my email and told her I just wanted to communicate that way after the first of the year. I’m not sure which one will be easier to be convincing about, especially because I have no idea what our conversation will entail tomorrow night. But, I don’t want to cause her extra stress before xmas and before I know what Kathy wants from getting to know me.

There is one thing that my mom has said on two occasions since this has come up that really bothers me. When she’s telling me the ”I’ll support you whatever decision you make” LIE, she’ll then say something like:

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed after you meet her or whatever you decide. I don’t want you to be hurt.”

To which I say: “Mom, I have no expectations, how can I be disappointed?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I just don’t want you to find out anything that you don’t want to know?”

“Um, like what? Do you know something that she could tell me like that?”

“Oh, no. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

WTF does that mean?!?! One of the times she said that to me I got the distinct impression that she’s worried I’ll find out something about her? I can’t put my finger on why I got that feeling, I just did. I know my mom DID NOT, under any circumstances want to meet my bmom before or after my birth. She has said that she didn’t want any personal connection with her. She felt that a personal connection might have somehow messed up my adoption. !?!?! Um, OK. I don’t see that, but my mom has always been cautious and overly-paranoid, and even a bit superstitious, so I’m not completely surprised by her irrationalities. But this does make me wonder what she thinks I’m going to find out that could be “disappointing.” I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

The next big question is: How am I going to make it till tomorrow night? I’m already all butterflies and knots! I don’t know how I expected to feel, but I don’t think I expected to feel so nervous. I just keep thinking about how HUGE this is! About how things I’ve always wondered about my past and history can finally be answered. Wow. I think I’m pretty excited too.

Wish me luck!

 

Adoption Saga

I have a real good idea that the phone call from the woman hired to find me by my birthmom (we’ll call her Patty and my birthmom Kathy) is just the tip of the iceberg of new issues I’m going to have to deal with. I’m two days into it and already I know it is going to change my life. It already has.

I spoke to Patty again last night. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I had any questions. I asked her a lot of questions about how her business works, how much information she will give to Kathy without my permission, how long she searched for me, etc.

She told me a little bit more about my birthmom. She is an artist. I guess she makes jewelry. I also learned that both she and my birthfather are “musically inclined.” She wanted to know if I was either- artsy or musical. I told her I didn’t consider myself either. I think that was a hook on her part to try and get me more connected to and curious about my birthmom. Except, since I’m not those things, it didn’t work.

I asked her the “WHY NOW” question, trying not to sound as suspicious of Kathy as I can’t help but be. She actually gave me a pretty good answer. She doesn’t believe it is a relevant question, is the summary of her answer. She said, as a woman who gave a child up for adoption and as someone who helps facilitate adoption reunions, that the timing is actually pretty random. She said that most people connected with an adoption think about finding the other person/people off and on throughout their lives. There usually isn’t one thing that pushes them to actually doing it. It is more about the timing being right for them to find some sort of peace or closure or answers. She asked if I had ever thought about searching for my birthparents. I told her I had. But I didn’t tell her that a few years ago I even registered with some online registries, in case someone was looking for me.

Patty shared a little bit with me about how difficult it was for Kathy to decide to search for me. She said, in fact, that birthmothers are the smallest percentage of reunion-seekers to initiate a search. Patty said she had to talk Kathy through her feelings of not being “worthy” to find me, which again (according to Patty) is a typical feeling for birthmothers. She said many birthmoms, mine included, were filled with shame for their pregnancies and then later more shame for giving away their babies. I guess mine also struggled with whether she had the right to find me, because she felt she gave that up when she gave me away. Patty also said that Kathy didn’t know whether or not I knew I was adopted and what repercussions for me that would have to find out this way.

My gut reaction is to feel like Patty is blowing some smoke with some truth at me to get me to be more open to talking to Kathy now, before the holidays. But something else in me wants to believe Patty. She seems genuinely concerned about both my feelings and Kathy’s feelings. She feels like she is being compassionate. She doesn’t feel like she is someone being paid to facilitate this reunion– which I have to keep reminding myself to keep from just totally, blindly trusting her. I will say, though, it is not in Patty’s best interest to make ANYTHING up about Kathy and her situation, because if Patty is successful in reuniting us, then we will eventually find out through our future conversations.

Also, Patty has said multiple times that my being pregnant complicates this for me. She said she wants to be extra sensitive to that and not cause any unnecessary stress. But she also admits, that me just being contacted by her has added a new level of stress to my life, pregnant or not. Patty believes that waiting until after the holidays is not going to make a difference to that stress because, and she is totally right, now that I know Kathy wants to contact me I can’t just forget about it during the holidays and think about it again when I’m ready.

So that got me thinking about why I really want to wait until after the holidays. The only answer that comes to my mind is because of my mom. I told my mom already that I had been contacted and she is upset, not at me, just upset. This is going to be her first holiday without her mom (she died in Aug) and I get the impression she thinks of me contacting my birthmom as losing me too. I just want to respect her during this time. However, there is just no good time or good way for me to proceed without hurting her. My mom was always paranoid that this woman was going to show up and take me when I was a child. This is just the proof she needs that she was right to be worried. My mom is an excessive worrier and I have always tried not to contribute to it, but I know that I’m just going to have make my peace with my mom needing to deal with her own issues and that I can’t control them. But, on the other hand, I see her almost daily and it is just hard to have her look at me and my kids with this new look of pain in her eyes.

I think the hardest thing for my mom is that she has ALWAYS wanted me and her to have a better, closer relationship than we currently have. I think deep down she thinks that the reason we don’t is because she is not my “real mom” and I am not biologically her daughter. I think she is worried that I will develop the kind of relationship with Kathy that she has always wanted us to have. But the only relationship I want with this woman is a friendly relationship, not an intimate, personal or emotional one. How do I tell my mom that when she has never said that is what she is fearful of? That feels pretty presumptive on my part, but I really think I have nailed what her fear is.

I haven’t talked to my mom about this whole thing since the first day, when she was really upset. I tried to talk about it yesterday, but she doesn’t want to talk about it over the phone, which unfortunately is the ONLY way I want to do it. I didn’t tell her that, because why should I pour salt on her wounds? But I don’t want to have this conversation face to face because it will get more emotional than it needs to get. For some reason, I can’t be as honest as I want to be with her crying and showing me how much I’m hurting her.

I guess my next dilemma is this: I want to call Patty tomorrow and set up a time to talk to Kathy. Do I tell my mom before or after? Usually it is better for me to tell her things in advance because she hates it when she finds out after the fact that I kept something from her on purpose. However in this case, I’m thinking it might be better to tell her after I talked with Kathy and have a better sense of what this is going to mean. I’m hoping that after our first conversation I’ll have a good feel for where this is headed so I can honestly tell my mom that Kathy doesn’t want more from me than I want from her– at least that’s the best I can hope for.

Either way I can’t make my mom happy. But I’m not doing this for her, I’m doing this for me. I have questions I want answered. I want to talk to Kathy. I want to know what she is like. My mom is going to just have to learn to deal with it and I’m going to have to learn to deal with not being able to fix this for her.

 

Adoption Issues

Hmmm. I never thought I’d be writing this post. I never thought I’d be having to make these decisions. I really wish it wasn’t happening right at this moment.

Today I was contacted by a person hired by my birthmom to find me. (BTW: have I mentioned I’m adopted? since birth. private adoption. CLOSED adoption.)

I was so shocked by this– I still am– I don’t quite know what to think about it all.

My initial reaction is: WHY NOW? Why after 33 and a half years does she want to initiate contact. What does she want from me? What does getting to know me after all these years do for her, now?

This is such a bad time for me. The depression, the move and this pregnancy do not have me in the most “stable” place right now, emotionally speaking. Gosh, a year ago, even 2 or more years ago, I would have been excited and honored that she still thought about me– I would probably have gone so far as to say “flattered” that I was not something completely erased from her past. But now? Again, I have to ask: WHY NOW?

Am I curious? Of course I am.

Have I thought of finding her?  More than once.

But this is real. She’s out there and wants to reach out to me. She has paid someone money to find me. She’s serious. My curiosity never took me that far. My curiosity never got that serious because several things got  in the way: my own fear and fear of/for my mother.

For myself, I was fearful of rejection. She gave me away once, how hard would it be for her to dismiss me again? Except this time it would hurt. Being rejected as an adult would make me question myself, my life and my very being. I couldn’t open myself up to that.

The fear of/for my mother is a little more complicated. I’m, of course, talking about the only mother I’ve ever had, the mother who fed me, clothed me, loved me, protected me, and raised me: my adopting mother. My mom and I have our own issues, but at the core is love. I’ve always known that my searching for my biological mother would be interpreted by her as me rejecting her. I could never hurt her like that. There have been many times when she’s said she’ll support me, if that what I want to do, but the look in her eyes was always clearly, “I hope you don’t need it. I hope I haven’t failed you. I hope I’m enough of a mother for you.”

Now, as a mother myself, I can’t argue with those feelings. What mother would ever want their child to seek out something that they could never give them? As a mother, you hope and pray with all of your being that you are “enough” for your child. You may not be perfect, but there is comfort in knowing you are doing the best you can for your child and giving them exactly what they want and need. But for an adopting mother, I have to imagine there is an extra amount of doubt. A doubt in wondering if you really deserve this child and are doing right by her. At least, that is what I imagine my own mother, a notorious self-doubter to begin with, imagining.

If I seek out a relationship– even in the most non-threatening way possible– I will have to live with the guilt that I am hurting my mother.

I know that I am an adult and have a “right” to see this thing through to satisfy my own basic curiosity and needs. But what is the cost to me? What do I stand to lose?

What if she is a crazy person? With my own mental health issues it is completely possible that she is unstable. It is possible that she is not well-adjusted and is doing this on a whim with no thought to the repercussions to herself or myself. And unfortunately, I think the only way to discover that will be through hind-sight.

Things won’t ever be the same. Learning information, even information that I have wanted to know for years, can’t be unlearned. The good, the bad, or the ugly information can’t be erased once heard by my ears. Stuff that is part of my family history, medical and personal, will finally become known to me. There has been comfort in not knowing my past. I didn’t know it until I faced not ever having the comfort of that ignorance again. 

The woman who was hired to find me is a  birthmother herself, so of course she had very positive things to say about me at least talking to my birthmother. Not to mention the fact, that she was paid to find me. I don’t trust that she has my best interest at heart. She is a professional, I guess that is what someone who has facilitated reunions on more than one occasion can be called. When I told her I didn’t think I was ready for this right now, she let me know, in a very nice way, that there could be repercussions to any future relationship I may or may not have with this woman if I take that stance. She asked me to sleep on it tonight and then she will call me tomorrow to go over what could be the possible consequences of waiting a few days, weeks, months or even years– whatever that means. It felt a little pushy to me, after the fact.

I told her I was concerned about how my mother would feel. (Interesting aside: I didn’t even think that my dad would be affected by my decision either way. Not that he doesn’t care, but this is not something he could ever get worked up over.) She told me that 50% of adopting parents are against any type of reunion and 50% support it to some degree. She said it would be hard for me to know which way my parents would go (HA! She didn’t even ask if I had an idea of how my mom would go, probably because as a birthmom she automatically discounts adopting parents feelings.) But she did say that “most” come around to accept whatever decision the adoptee makes. But hello? What other choice do they have? I am not fearful of my mom “disowning me,” I am trying to protect her feelings as my mother.

She did give me some information. She told me her first name. She told me she lives in Washington State.  She told me she never had any other children. She told me that my birthmom recently had contact with my birthfather and that she doesn’t think badly of him. (I guess that is not typical, which is why she told me.)

But it is this last piece of information that unsettled me the most. Where is this woman at in her life that she has had contact with a former lover, whom she had a child with and is now seeking out said child? What is going on with her life? What does she want from him and from me? Why wait 33 years? Why do it before the holidays? WHY NOW?

<sigh> The sad, unmistakable fact is this: If I want that question and more answered, the only way to do it is to go ahead and have contact with her. However, I am aware that once I ring that bell, it cannot be un-rung.

 

grumble, grumble

I hate getting ready to travel. I get a little, ummm, tense. Scott really hates how I get. I freak out about packing and cleaning the house.

This time has been really bad. I think I’m realizing why. I just don’t want to go “home.” The thought of staying with my mom and having “issues” is just turning me off about it.

The main issue is the same one as always. She is so disappointed in me and our relationship. Ryan (my bro) made a comment the other day. He said, something like, “Just be the daughter she wants you to be while you’re here.” Like it is no biggie. Umm, hello? Why do I have to change? Why can’t she love, accept and appreciate me for the me I am?

Being a disappointment to your parents is a huge thing to anyone, but being a disappointment because I’m not the kind of daughter she wanted and being adopted, seems kind of worse. I mean not being her flesh and blood is one thing, but then not being what she imagined her daughter would be… umm, what do I say to that? (Not that I can say anything because she doesn’t directly mention it. Just in sighs and deep breaths.)

Of course, the other thing is that she’s going to go on and on about how she wants us to move back. I can only indirectly answer that question so many times before she will pick up on the fact that I DON’T WANT TO MOVE BACK and one of the reasons for that is HER. I’m happy with the physical distance between us. I think it has helped me blossom into a different person. I feel like I can spread my wings without fear of being put down or criticized. Not that that doesn’t still happen, but the distance makes it easier to swallow.

But now, going back to her house, being that close. UGH. I’m just not looking forward to it. It just doesn’t feel natural. She will go out of her way to be nice and nonjudgmental for awhile, then she just can’t hold her tongue any longer. She’ll say something like, “Now don’t get mad at me.” OR “I have to tell you something that has been on my mind.” Then she will criticize my parenting or my relationship with Macy or Scott. OR GOD FORBID, she’ll tell me she “just wants me to get healthy.” Um, like I don’t want to be healthy? Or I haven’t been working to lose 13 lbs? I already told Ryan to tell her not to say anything about my weight-loss other than: “GREAT WORK.” But she can’t do that. She’ll add “but you need to keep it off” or “keep it up so you can finally be healthy” ?!?!?!?! If she says the last one, I’m going to eat all the bad stuff in her house!!! <SCREAM>

Well, despite how much I’m looking forward to it, I do have to go pack and get ready. Wish me luck.