Adoption Update

Well, after all the early drama of being contacted by my birthmom, things have settled down quite nicely. It is important to note, the drama was all mine and completely self-imposed and created.

I have really enjoyed getting to know “Kathy.” I’m glad it happened the way it happened. The only thing I would have changed would have been the way I told my mom (adopted mom). Telling her is what contributed to the extra stress and drama I experienced. I don’t think I could have kept it a secret from her for very long, and I don’t know that anything would have made it better for her (which in turn would have made it easier for me), but I shouldn’t have told her I was contacted by Kathy until much later, when I knew how I felt about it. But that is in the past now and I still have to balance how much to tell my mom. (Trust me, I lean towards telling her nothing most of the time.)

Anyways, Kathy is an amazingly interesting woman whom I am glad to be related to. I don’t feel an intense, biological ”connection” to her, but there has been something very nice about knowing someone biologically related to me. We talk about once each week on the phone and will email a couple times per week. I feel like we are developing a nice friendship. She knows I am not looking for a new mother.

I think it is fairly safe to say that she definitely feels more of a connection to me and she has been amazing about not being pushy. She is definitely letting me set the pace of our relationship. As a mother myself, I completely understand where she is coming from and respect her immensely for being patient and waiting until things calm down for me. I mean, who could have predicted that when she chose to find me it would be during such an incredibly crazy time in my life: moving, baby, lifestyle, etc?? No one. But it is what it is and we are working around it.

We are setting up a date to meet in person sometime in May. She is going to come down here for a visit. I am looking forward to meeting her, but not to the balancing act I will have to negotiate with my mom. I am trying to take the same approach with my mom about everything Kathy-related: IT IS NOT ABOUT HER (a-mom), IT IS ABOUT ME AND KATHY. Although my mom feels very threatened and nervous about the whole thing, that is just her really wishing she could control the situation or erase the situation completely- which she can do neither. All I can do is be matter-of-fact about things and only share with her things I want to share. Although, my mom better realize soon that the more she tries to find fault with Kathy and the things I tell her about Kathy, the less I will share with her. So it will come down to what is the stronger desire for my mom: her need to know some of what Kathy tells me OR her need to make herself feel better by putting Kathy down. Hmmm. I don’t think my mom would like those two choices. But again, I am in the driver’s seat here.

So, that is the update for now.

 

Adoption Saga: Telling my Mom, sort of.

So, I didn’t want to tell my mom about my appointment to talk with bmom (Kathy) on the phone tonight. However, I needed to ask her if there was any information she could tell me, that’s not part of public record, that would help me identify this woman as my birthmom. You know, information that only my biological mother would know so that I could be sure of everything before I get involved. Also, to rule out a scam, although I haven’t been asked for any money, so what’s the chances of a scam being run without asking for money? Well, zero, besides just a cruel, cruel person. I don’t get the feeling that is what I’m dealing with, but I wanted to make sure I had some info that only my biological mother could verify.

I gently brought up with my mom that I told Patty (searcher lady) that I would communicate with Kathy via email after the first of the year. I explained to my mom that I’ve done a lot of research on adoptee/birthfamily reunions and that it would be helpful if she could tell me some information so that I could verify that Kathy is who she says she is.

I told her that I thought maybe I could ask Kathy about my birthmark. (It is in a hidden place.) My mom said, ”No, she won’t know about that. I was told by our lawyer that she didn’t even want to see you after you were born.” Really? How can that be? Hmm, got me thinking that bmom Kathy may have more issues than I even know about.

So then I asked what else would be only something the real Kathy would know? She mentioned the family that knew her family and my mom’s family, the way she was brought together with my family. I said, “Oh, the XYZ family?” And my mom was shocked that I knew. She didn’t remember telling me the connection between the families. I reminded her of when she told me several years back, and she still didn’t remember. Oh well, what can I say? She’s is losing it a bit.

I got the spelling of this family’s name so that I can verify how the two families came together. I asked my mom,

“Will she know this family’s name?”

“Oh yeah, if it is her, she will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Her mom and the mom of this family were friends. And believe me, she’ll know.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me that I’m going to find out?”

“No, not really. I just want you to hear it from her. I’m sure she will know XYZ family. You know, I just don’t think this is right?”

“What isn’t right?”

“I just think a birth family, especially the mother, has no right to contact the child.”

“Really? Even if I’m not a child anymore?”

“NO, No, I know, but she signed away her rights to you. I think it is different if the child seeks out the parents.”

“Well, I’ll have to see, but I’m glad she did it if it was something she wanted to do. I think she does have a right to find me, now that I’m an adult.”

“I just don’t. That’s why it was a closed adoption. How would you feel if Macy or Owen wanted to meet someone like this that would hurt you?”

“Uh, Mom, that’s impossible. Totally different.”

“No, just think about it.”

“I can’t, Mom. You know I’ll never understand how you feel about this on a personal level, I can just try to put myself in your position, which I have done, but I’ll never truly know. You know that I will always love you, right? That you are my mother, no matter what?”

“Yeah, I know. I just think this is so intrusive.”

“I know, but I’ve always been curious, I hope it will be good for me. I would have never sought her out because of the fear of being rejected by her, which is what a lot of birth mothers do, you know, if they are contacted by their child given up to adoption.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just never wanted to hear that I wasn’t wanted again.”

“But we wanted you.”

“I know, but some people think there are psychological impacts that last for life when a child is “not wanted” by their biological mother. It’s been suggested to me by many of my therapists, however, I don’t think that is necessarily one of my issues. But what if it is?”

“I know. I just hope you get what you need from it. I don’t want you to get hurt or disappointed.”

“I know, Mom. I won’t. I don’t have any expectations and I’m not looking for a relationship with this woman.”

“OK. Be careful.”

“I will. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

I think it is good that we talked a little bit about it. She does sound a lot better about it than she did Thursday night, but she is definitely not happy about it.

The only other weird thing she said was when I asked about if she remembered the lawyer’s name. She said she had paperwork and receipts with the lawyer’s name on it still, because she wrote the check out to him for her (Kathy). ?!?! Did she pay Kathy for me? Hmm. I know that is possible in a private adoption, and I know she borrowed money from my dad’s mom to pay for the adoption, but I always assumed that was for the cost of the lawyer and going to court. Not quite sure how I feel to learn that I may have been paid for. Hmm. I’ll have to think on that later after I hear what Kathy has to say tonight.

I’m getting nervous. I need to go write down some questions, so I don’t forget what I want to know.

 

Adoption Saga: The Decision

I decided I want to talk to my bmom. I decided I don’t want to wait.

I realized the only reason I wanted to wait was so that I wouldn’t cause any stress for my mom. But then I realized that this would be stressful to her no matter when it happened. Plus, is it really about her? As close as she thinks we are and as close as she wants us to be, this isn’t about her. This is about me finding answers to my past that she cannot answer. This is about my identity. This is about ME and that is OK!

Do I wish this wasn’t painful to her? Of course. Do I think this is going to change the relationship she and I have? No, I hope not. The only thing that will change is if she lets it change because of her insecurities and worries. There is nothing I can do other than continue to love her as I have always loved her. I hope she will do the same for me.

That being said, am I going to tell her about my appointment to talk with bmom tomorrow night at 6pm? HELL NO! She hasn’t asked me anything for a couple days, but I know she will soon. And when she asks me, I’ll tell her either I haven’t made a decision yet or that I gave my bmom my email and told her I just wanted to communicate that way after the first of the year. I’m not sure which one will be easier to be convincing about, especially because I have no idea what our conversation will entail tomorrow night. But, I don’t want to cause her extra stress before xmas and before I know what Kathy wants from getting to know me.

There is one thing that my mom has said on two occasions since this has come up that really bothers me. When she’s telling me the ”I’ll support you whatever decision you make” LIE, she’ll then say something like:

“I just don’t want you to be disappointed after you meet her or whatever you decide. I don’t want you to be hurt.”

To which I say: “Mom, I have no expectations, how can I be disappointed?”

“Oh, I don’t know, I just don’t want you to find out anything that you don’t want to know?”

“Um, like what? Do you know something that she could tell me like that?”

“Oh, no. I just don’t want you to get hurt.”

WTF does that mean?!?! One of the times she said that to me I got the distinct impression that she’s worried I’ll find out something about her? I can’t put my finger on why I got that feeling, I just did. I know my mom DID NOT, under any circumstances want to meet my bmom before or after my birth. She has said that she didn’t want any personal connection with her. She felt that a personal connection might have somehow messed up my adoption. !?!?! Um, OK. I don’t see that, but my mom has always been cautious and overly-paranoid, and even a bit superstitious, so I’m not completely surprised by her irrationalities. But this does make me wonder what she thinks I’m going to find out that could be “disappointing.” I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.

The next big question is: How am I going to make it till tomorrow night? I’m already all butterflies and knots! I don’t know how I expected to feel, but I don’t think I expected to feel so nervous. I just keep thinking about how HUGE this is! About how things I’ve always wondered about my past and history can finally be answered. Wow. I think I’m pretty excited too.

Wish me luck!

 

Adoption Saga

I have a real good idea that the phone call from the woman hired to find me by my birthmom (we’ll call her Patty and my birthmom Kathy) is just the tip of the iceberg of new issues I’m going to have to deal with. I’m two days into it and already I know it is going to change my life. It already has.

I spoke to Patty again last night. She wanted to know how I was doing and if I had any questions. I asked her a lot of questions about how her business works, how much information she will give to Kathy without my permission, how long she searched for me, etc.

She told me a little bit more about my birthmom. She is an artist. I guess she makes jewelry. I also learned that both she and my birthfather are “musically inclined.” She wanted to know if I was either- artsy or musical. I told her I didn’t consider myself either. I think that was a hook on her part to try and get me more connected to and curious about my birthmom. Except, since I’m not those things, it didn’t work.

I asked her the “WHY NOW” question, trying not to sound as suspicious of Kathy as I can’t help but be. She actually gave me a pretty good answer. She doesn’t believe it is a relevant question, is the summary of her answer. She said, as a woman who gave a child up for adoption and as someone who helps facilitate adoption reunions, that the timing is actually pretty random. She said that most people connected with an adoption think about finding the other person/people off and on throughout their lives. There usually isn’t one thing that pushes them to actually doing it. It is more about the timing being right for them to find some sort of peace or closure or answers. She asked if I had ever thought about searching for my birthparents. I told her I had. But I didn’t tell her that a few years ago I even registered with some online registries, in case someone was looking for me.

Patty shared a little bit with me about how difficult it was for Kathy to decide to search for me. She said, in fact, that birthmothers are the smallest percentage of reunion-seekers to initiate a search. Patty said she had to talk Kathy through her feelings of not being “worthy” to find me, which again (according to Patty) is a typical feeling for birthmothers. She said many birthmoms, mine included, were filled with shame for their pregnancies and then later more shame for giving away their babies. I guess mine also struggled with whether she had the right to find me, because she felt she gave that up when she gave me away. Patty also said that Kathy didn’t know whether or not I knew I was adopted and what repercussions for me that would have to find out this way.

My gut reaction is to feel like Patty is blowing some smoke with some truth at me to get me to be more open to talking to Kathy now, before the holidays. But something else in me wants to believe Patty. She seems genuinely concerned about both my feelings and Kathy’s feelings. She feels like she is being compassionate. She doesn’t feel like she is someone being paid to facilitate this reunion– which I have to keep reminding myself to keep from just totally, blindly trusting her. I will say, though, it is not in Patty’s best interest to make ANYTHING up about Kathy and her situation, because if Patty is successful in reuniting us, then we will eventually find out through our future conversations.

Also, Patty has said multiple times that my being pregnant complicates this for me. She said she wants to be extra sensitive to that and not cause any unnecessary stress. But she also admits, that me just being contacted by her has added a new level of stress to my life, pregnant or not. Patty believes that waiting until after the holidays is not going to make a difference to that stress because, and she is totally right, now that I know Kathy wants to contact me I can’t just forget about it during the holidays and think about it again when I’m ready.

So that got me thinking about why I really want to wait until after the holidays. The only answer that comes to my mind is because of my mom. I told my mom already that I had been contacted and she is upset, not at me, just upset. This is going to be her first holiday without her mom (she died in Aug) and I get the impression she thinks of me contacting my birthmom as losing me too. I just want to respect her during this time. However, there is just no good time or good way for me to proceed without hurting her. My mom was always paranoid that this woman was going to show up and take me when I was a child. This is just the proof she needs that she was right to be worried. My mom is an excessive worrier and I have always tried not to contribute to it, but I know that I’m just going to have make my peace with my mom needing to deal with her own issues and that I can’t control them. But, on the other hand, I see her almost daily and it is just hard to have her look at me and my kids with this new look of pain in her eyes.

I think the hardest thing for my mom is that she has ALWAYS wanted me and her to have a better, closer relationship than we currently have. I think deep down she thinks that the reason we don’t is because she is not my “real mom” and I am not biologically her daughter. I think she is worried that I will develop the kind of relationship with Kathy that she has always wanted us to have. But the only relationship I want with this woman is a friendly relationship, not an intimate, personal or emotional one. How do I tell my mom that when she has never said that is what she is fearful of? That feels pretty presumptive on my part, but I really think I have nailed what her fear is.

I haven’t talked to my mom about this whole thing since the first day, when she was really upset. I tried to talk about it yesterday, but she doesn’t want to talk about it over the phone, which unfortunately is the ONLY way I want to do it. I didn’t tell her that, because why should I pour salt on her wounds? But I don’t want to have this conversation face to face because it will get more emotional than it needs to get. For some reason, I can’t be as honest as I want to be with her crying and showing me how much I’m hurting her.

I guess my next dilemma is this: I want to call Patty tomorrow and set up a time to talk to Kathy. Do I tell my mom before or after? Usually it is better for me to tell her things in advance because she hates it when she finds out after the fact that I kept something from her on purpose. However in this case, I’m thinking it might be better to tell her after I talked with Kathy and have a better sense of what this is going to mean. I’m hoping that after our first conversation I’ll have a good feel for where this is headed so I can honestly tell my mom that Kathy doesn’t want more from me than I want from her– at least that’s the best I can hope for.

Either way I can’t make my mom happy. But I’m not doing this for her, I’m doing this for me. I have questions I want answered. I want to talk to Kathy. I want to know what she is like. My mom is going to just have to learn to deal with it and I’m going to have to learn to deal with not being able to fix this for her.

 

Adoption Issues

Hmmm. I never thought I’d be writing this post. I never thought I’d be having to make these decisions. I really wish it wasn’t happening right at this moment.

Today I was contacted by a person hired by my birthmom to find me. (BTW: have I mentioned I’m adopted? since birth. private adoption. CLOSED adoption.)

I was so shocked by this– I still am– I don’t quite know what to think about it all.

My initial reaction is: WHY NOW? Why after 33 and a half years does she want to initiate contact. What does she want from me? What does getting to know me after all these years do for her, now?

This is such a bad time for me. The depression, the move and this pregnancy do not have me in the most “stable” place right now, emotionally speaking. Gosh, a year ago, even 2 or more years ago, I would have been excited and honored that she still thought about me– I would probably have gone so far as to say “flattered” that I was not something completely erased from her past. But now? Again, I have to ask: WHY NOW?

Am I curious? Of course I am.

Have I thought of finding her?  More than once.

But this is real. She’s out there and wants to reach out to me. She has paid someone money to find me. She’s serious. My curiosity never took me that far. My curiosity never got that serious because several things got  in the way: my own fear and fear of/for my mother.

For myself, I was fearful of rejection. She gave me away once, how hard would it be for her to dismiss me again? Except this time it would hurt. Being rejected as an adult would make me question myself, my life and my very being. I couldn’t open myself up to that.

The fear of/for my mother is a little more complicated. I’m, of course, talking about the only mother I’ve ever had, the mother who fed me, clothed me, loved me, protected me, and raised me: my adopting mother. My mom and I have our own issues, but at the core is love. I’ve always known that my searching for my biological mother would be interpreted by her as me rejecting her. I could never hurt her like that. There have been many times when she’s said she’ll support me, if that what I want to do, but the look in her eyes was always clearly, “I hope you don’t need it. I hope I haven’t failed you. I hope I’m enough of a mother for you.”

Now, as a mother myself, I can’t argue with those feelings. What mother would ever want their child to seek out something that they could never give them? As a mother, you hope and pray with all of your being that you are “enough” for your child. You may not be perfect, but there is comfort in knowing you are doing the best you can for your child and giving them exactly what they want and need. But for an adopting mother, I have to imagine there is an extra amount of doubt. A doubt in wondering if you really deserve this child and are doing right by her. At least, that is what I imagine my own mother, a notorious self-doubter to begin with, imagining.

If I seek out a relationship– even in the most non-threatening way possible– I will have to live with the guilt that I am hurting my mother.

I know that I am an adult and have a “right” to see this thing through to satisfy my own basic curiosity and needs. But what is the cost to me? What do I stand to lose?

What if she is a crazy person? With my own mental health issues it is completely possible that she is unstable. It is possible that she is not well-adjusted and is doing this on a whim with no thought to the repercussions to herself or myself. And unfortunately, I think the only way to discover that will be through hind-sight.

Things won’t ever be the same. Learning information, even information that I have wanted to know for years, can’t be unlearned. The good, the bad, or the ugly information can’t be erased once heard by my ears. Stuff that is part of my family history, medical and personal, will finally become known to me. There has been comfort in not knowing my past. I didn’t know it until I faced not ever having the comfort of that ignorance again. 

The woman who was hired to find me is a  birthmother herself, so of course she had very positive things to say about me at least talking to my birthmother. Not to mention the fact, that she was paid to find me. I don’t trust that she has my best interest at heart. She is a professional, I guess that is what someone who has facilitated reunions on more than one occasion can be called. When I told her I didn’t think I was ready for this right now, she let me know, in a very nice way, that there could be repercussions to any future relationship I may or may not have with this woman if I take that stance. She asked me to sleep on it tonight and then she will call me tomorrow to go over what could be the possible consequences of waiting a few days, weeks, months or even years– whatever that means. It felt a little pushy to me, after the fact.

I told her I was concerned about how my mother would feel. (Interesting aside: I didn’t even think that my dad would be affected by my decision either way. Not that he doesn’t care, but this is not something he could ever get worked up over.) She told me that 50% of adopting parents are against any type of reunion and 50% support it to some degree. She said it would be hard for me to know which way my parents would go (HA! She didn’t even ask if I had an idea of how my mom would go, probably because as a birthmom she automatically discounts adopting parents feelings.) But she did say that “most” come around to accept whatever decision the adoptee makes. But hello? What other choice do they have? I am not fearful of my mom “disowning me,” I am trying to protect her feelings as my mother.

She did give me some information. She told me her first name. She told me she lives in Washington State.  She told me she never had any other children. She told me that my birthmom recently had contact with my birthfather and that she doesn’t think badly of him. (I guess that is not typical, which is why she told me.)

But it is this last piece of information that unsettled me the most. Where is this woman at in her life that she has had contact with a former lover, whom she had a child with and is now seeking out said child? What is going on with her life? What does she want from him and from me? Why wait 33 years? Why do it before the holidays? WHY NOW?

<sigh> The sad, unmistakable fact is this: If I want that question and more answered, the only way to do it is to go ahead and have contact with her. However, I am aware that once I ring that bell, it cannot be un-rung.

 

Oops, I did it again

Wow, I’m really in trouble with my family now. We were 25 minutes late to Grandma’s funeral. This will be brought up till the end of our days.

Now, would we have chosen to be late if it was in our control? No. But here were our choices:

1. Sign our escrow closing papers in Orange County at 10 am and be late to the 11 am funeral in Whittier. 
2. Go to the funeral on-time and not be able to move into our home until the following Tuesday or Wednesday. 

Ummm, the funeral is about closure and the past. Getting into our home is about moving on and the future of our family.

It was a NO BRAINER for us. But for my mom, brother and dad it was the most HORRIBLE thing we could have done.

There is nothing I can do about it now and if I were faced with the same decision again in the future, I would chose the same thing again.

 

On Death and Guilt and Unmet Expectations

Living with my parents for almost 6 weeks was HELL. I wasn’t expecting it to be easy, but not as bad as it was. Plus, if I had known it was going to be for that long, I probably would have found some other arrangements– I don’t know what, but something else! But, it was what it was. I guess the two main issues with living with them are that they are getting set in their ways and I don’t meet my mom’s expectations for what she wants in a daughter. They raised my brother and I differently than we are raising our kids: there was a lot more yelling and strictness about things that Scott and I consider trivial. However, living under their roof meant we must all obey by their rules and idiosyncrasies. Little things like coasters, leaving lights and fans on, shutting windows at night, putting bikes in the garage a certain way– that kind of stuff. Scott and I don’t have any problem with living by their rules, it was more how they talked to us if we or the kids didn’t do something right. They would yell at us and talk to us like children, instead of like adults. It was frustrating. The other issue is that in addition to the normal disappointment I am to my mom, she was under EXTREME stress.

So, why was Mom so stressed? About a week before we got here, Grandma broke both her ankles. She was in the shower at her carehome and the attendant said her ankles just collapsed. One broke in 3 places and required surgery. We knew she would never walk again. She was in considerable pain and on top of it all, her Alzheimer’s disease meant she didn’t remember why. This is the conversation we’d have with her every 2-5 minutes:

“Grandma, you can’t get up, your ankles are broke.”

“They are!?!?!”

“Yes.”

“No, they aren’t. I’m fine.”

REPEAT. Over and over and over….

Was this all to my mom’s stress? No, not really. She felt obligated to visit Grandma everyday, all day. And Grandma had stopped eating and drinking at the beginning of July. The doctors said not to force her to eat, that this was her body’s way of saying it is done. That if this was to be the end, they would have to employ “no artificial nutrition” or any invasive tests or procedures. However, the real stress for my mom was not the knowing that this was the end for Grandma, it was that she had to watch it and wonder if she was doing the right thing. Day in and day out. At one point, Grandma was probably going into a diabetic coma. My mom was there and freaked out. She called the nurse. They shook and yelled at Grandma and kept stimulating her. They got her to come around and forced her to eat and drink. She was much better after that. She was still kicking for almost 6 weeks after that episode. The doctor told my mom that could have been the end and if it happened again to let her go into a coma. That that was what it is going to be like. The doctor understood my mom’s motivation, but let her know not to do it again.

My mom later defended her actions to me by saying,  ”It was too horrible. Her face was all weird, her breathing was weird, it was scary.”

I point-blank asked her, “What do expect the end to be like? Pretty?”

“Well, no, but I couldn’t just watch that.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t be around so much then.”

“I have to. She is my mother.”

This was the source of tension with my mother and I. As I continue to think about it, it has nothing to do with me and Grandma. It had to do with how she wants me to be with her at the end of her life. How I continually don’t live up to her expectations as her daughter. She has always expected me to be just like her, think just like her, FEEL just like her. This is just another example to her that I am not just like her. For example, she continues to call me “cold” and “unemotional” about Grandma. She makes underhanded remarks about how it must be nice not to be upset by watching Grandma’s demise. For me the bottom line is I’m just not emotionally involved withGrandma’s death at all. And bottom line for my mom is that she is too emotionally involved with Grandma’s death.

Grandma died early on the morning of August 5th. My brother and mother were with her at the end. It was not pretty. She was unresponsive for about 3 days prior to that. She fought really hard against dying. I think her cause of death will officially be “end-stage Alzheimer’s disease.” Such a horrible way to go. I think it was because of the Alzheimer’s disease that she fought so hard and was so scared to go. I think she would forget that she had made peace with dying and was ready to die. Only to come to peace again and forget again. How scary is that? Let’s just say it is not the way I want to go.

But, what was weird to me is how my mom had to see it all. Had to be there. And then, she had to tell everyone else how horrible it was– in a sense, re-living it each time she re-told it. And there was a lot of people to tell. Grandma was the oldest of 11 kids- only 2 died before her. My mom always complains about being the family “secretary” yet, at this time, she seemed to relish in telling everyone who called every last detail– even going so far, in her exhaustion, to seek out and call people on her own. It was weird to me.

Hardest thing for me, living with mom at the time this was all going on, was to watch her go through it. It was hell on her, I knew it, and there was nothing I could do to make it better. I tried to listen to her complain and vent, but I’m the kind of person who wants to help and fix it. The only thing I could offer her was telling her how she was making it worse, doing some of the things she was doing. Who wants to hear that? I really tried my best to hold my tongue. But it was hard.

There was this one time when she was going to be going with her brother, my uncle, to make as many of the funeral arrangements prior to her deathas they could. My mom was gearing up for a fight with him and his wife about having a closed casket. They wanted it open, so people could pay their last respects, mom wanted it closed because she didn’t want to remember her mom that way. However, that was not the reason she was giving them. No, in her passive aggressive, put the blame/attention on anyone but herself fashion, she was fighting for a closed casket with the only reason of: “I really don’t think it should be open because anyone who wanted to see her had plenty of time when she was alive.”

Now she and her brother no longer get along. I don’t know the reason behind that, nor do I care. However, I think that he has learned to take advantage of her passiveness/passive aggressiveness and it PISSES my mom off. Of course my mom has no idea she is being passive or passive aggressive. She thinks it is all HIM manipulating her. It is really hard for me not to tell her that the reason he can manipulate her is because of how SHE behaves and talks to him. OH MY GOD… if I ever said that to her she would be so pissed at me. She would accuse me of taking his side.

Which is kind of what went down. She was preparing for what she was going to say to him about not having an open casket. And the way she prepared was by telling everyone what she’s going to say and expecting everyone to say, “Yes, you’re SO right! How can he not see how right you are??” She does this with a lot of things, and the people that she’s surrounded herself with (my brother, her friends, relatives, and my dad) play their role perfectly. Except me. So automatically, because I start questioning her I’m against her.

All I asked was, “Is this something worth fighting about?”

Which she of course says it is.

So I said, “Well, why are you making it about other people?”

“I’m not. I just think the people who wanted to see her would have seen her when she was alive.”

“That seems pretty punitive to me. It’s like the only reason you don’t want an open casket it to punish all the people who didn’t come and visit her.”

“No! How dare you say that? I just don’t want to have that memory of my mother!”

“Why don’t you say that to your brother? I bet that would mean more to him, that it is something you feel strongly about for you.”

“He doesn’t care how I feel!”

“Well, who knows, but it will be much harder for him to say he wants it open when you give him that reason.”

“Don’t you agree with me? Why don’t you ever agree with me? Everyone else thinks I’m right!!”

“I never told you how I personally feel, I was just trying to give you a better way to get your way with your brother.”

“You don’t know him like I do. He doesn’t care what I want.”

By this point she was so worked up that I didn’t agree with her and that now her brother was going to get his way she was a lunatic. She was screaming and crying that I never agree with her.

I swear, I can never win. Later when I tried to calmly talk with her I pointed out again that I never told her my opinion, I was only trying to help her get her point across, she went off on me again. Bottom line was she just wanted me to agree with her, not change her way of arguing.

I tried to talk to my brother later, and I asked him how he does it, just listen, not help, and he said he just chooses when to offer advise, but most them time she just wants someone to listen and agree with her.

Another reason why I am not the daughter she imagined having. I disagree with her. I think differently than her. More expectations will continually be unmet.

 

The Move Part 3: House Drama

It is July 27th, we were supposed to be in our new house on July 8th. What went wrong? The money, honey.

We were very lucky to have sold our Colorado house at all in the current state of Real Estate. We of course did not get what we put into it. We walked away with barely enough to put down on a new house. In fact, with the tightening up of the mortgage industry our only option was to go with a FHA loan. Not our first choice, but that is the only program available if you have less than 20% down. And in the SoCalmarket, we had no where NEAR 20% down. But believe me, with all the hoops and fees that come with an FHA loan, we will be very lucky if we ever get into a house.

So the first house we found, which we thought would be our house, having no indication at the time it would be the first of THREE, was in a very desirable part of Yorba Linda. It was on a cul-de-sac in a GREAT neighborhood. It was a foreclosure that we got for a good price for the area. It was in original condition, which was to say it would need some serious upgrading on our part. It was also only a 3 bedroom. Despite the needing of upgrades and only 3 bedrooms, we were sold on the neighborhood, the schools, and potential. It was slightly more than we planned to spend, but we were “approved” for even more than this, so we thought we’d be fine.

Um, no. Not fine. Stringing us along until the last minute, we find out that we were not approved for the purchase price. Seriously, THE. LAST. MINUTE. It was freaking ridiculous. I think the mortgage industry is full of fraudulent, lazy people. I’ve always thought that. It seems like every house we’ve bought or refinanced, they come up with something at the last minute. Like, “Ooops, turns out if you want this loan, you’ll have to put in x-thousand more dollars.” And of course, by the time you find this little tidbit of information, you are over the barrel. Too late to turn back. Less than a week before closing. You’ll never get another mortgage company to come through fast enough if you want to go witha different lender. So what do you do?? You beg, borrow, or steal to make the deal go through.  Except for us, this time, there wasn’t an amount of money we could have come up with to make it work. Well, maybe $20K, enough to put down for a conventional loan, not an FHA. But we didn’t have that money. I guess, why I was the most pissed, was because there was NO HINT OF TROUBLE until 1 week before closing. Because that was when the underwriter got her hands on our packet. It was completed 4 weeks prior to that. But did anyone (of underwriting importance) look over it at that time? NO. Of course our loan guy and his people gave us this song and dance that it was completed and approved appropriately, but, wouldn’t ya know it, the FHA happened to come up with new guidelines to the loan program that same week that no one knew about. So oops, Our Bad. Sorry.

The frustrating thing, is that Scott and I knew we couldn’t afford as much as the approved us for. So we looked for homes under our top figure. But, we didn’t go low enough.

So, we now have to find a new house with our new budget. Basically, about $50K less than the previous home. What a HUGE difference in the type of house we could get for the money– and not in a good way. This also means that we have to stay with my parents longer and that we have to continue to board the dogs– at a cost of $42 per day. So much for saving any money– not to mention saving our sanity!

We try to only look at houses that are empty, so we can close quicker, but that was way too limiting. We already couldn’t look at any short sales (which was a HUGE portion of the available inventory) because that could tack on an extra 1-4 MONTHS for final approval. We didn’t want to be in that position.

So, the next house we make an offer on is in a area that is nowhere near as nice as the previous house. The school is OK. The plus being that it is one of the district’s gate-magnet schools, but we don’t know if that even applies to our kids. The main negative is that it is on a through-street, and only 2 houses away from an even busier street. However, the house itself was pretty decent. It was a foreclosurer that someone bought 3 months prior and completely gutted. They did decent, not amazing, work on the inside and out. It looked good on the surface, but I could see that they skimped where ever they could. Afterall, they were looking to turn a profit.

So we made and offer and it was accepted. Our agent met us there a few days later so we could get a second look. I invited my parents, too. BIG MISTAKE. They hated everything about the house. It was the most critical they have ever been about a house. (And I thought they were too critical of the house we lost. UM, no. They LOVED that house compared to this one.) It turns out, one of my dad’s bosses lives down the street. He had “heard” that when they were remodeling the house they discovered mold. Was I happy about that? NO, but I was willing to wait until the disclosures to find out what kind of mold and how it was remedied.

It was also on this “closer look” visit that I observed 4-5 cars cutting the corner from the busier street onto our street. I kept picturing one of the kids, after having looked both ways, in the street getting a ball or something and then getting hit by one of these corner-cutting cars. They cut the corner so short, and were going so fast, that I knew they wouldn’t have time to stop for a child 2 houses in. It made me very uneasy. This, along with my parents’ negativity, left me wanting out of the deal.

TO BE CONTINUED: THE MOVE PART 4: Our New House

 

The Move Part 2: Health and Pregnancy

Two days later we were off to Vegas for Scott’s great-aunt’s 100th birthday party. This meant we had to board the dogs ($450!!) because, God forbid, my parents actually be helpful –beyond letting us stay with them, which seems to mean we should just be eternally grateful to them.

First night in Vegas I have a nice, big margarita. It should have been yummy, but it wasn’t great. It got me super-drunk, though. Scott and his sister take the kids to a movie and I go to bed to sleep off this buzz that I’m not enjoying. It is in the quiet, dark hotel room where I realize that I did not start my period on Monday (it is Friday). Hmmm, stress could explain it. But I did start my pill pack 5 days late and I did have sex when I had signs of ovulation. Oh yeah, and the night before my garage sale, I had those horrible stomach painsthat reminded me of the implantation pain I experienced when pregnant with Macy.  If I hadn’t been so buzzed and sleepy, I would have headed off to the drug store right then and there. But alas, it would have to wait till the morning.

I knew I was pregnant, but I still bought the 2 pack of tests because “just in case.” Of what, I don’t know. I knew it would be positive. It was positive and it wasn’t even my “first morning pee.” Scott came to the hotel room with the kids from the pool right after I tested. I didn’t know what to say. I knew he would not be happy. I didn’t want to say anything in front of the kids, so I just threw the positive stick onto his lap. He was silent. I took a nap.

It is hard to say how I felt about being pregnant, besides tired. On one hand, I REALLY wanted another baby. On the other hand, this was horrible timing. We were in the process of purchasing a 3 bedroom house. On top of that, Scott was never on board with having a third. He’s always said he’d agree to it if certain conditions were met on my part, none of which had been met. I thought I’d be excited when it finally happened again, but I was not. I found myself very concerned about miscarriage. I vividly remember Jan 2005 and losing that pregnancy. I didn’t want to go through that again.

The interesting part was returning home from Vegas and trying to find a doctor. Our medical benefits didn’t transfer with us to California. Not really. We had emergency care, if needed, but not primary care and certainly not OB. It took over 2 weeks to finally get it straightened out with Scott’s former district and the health insurance HMO. During those 2 weeks, I didn’t know if I’d have any benefits until September 1, when Scott’s new district benefits kicked in. It was unacceptable to wait that long to find out if this pregnancy was going to be OK. I ended up going to a “free clinic.” Good times. I, of course, qualified because we had no income.

I requested a blood test to confirm a strong pregnancy. That wasn’t covered by my new, State of California free medical coverage. I said, “I’ll pay for it.” I don’t think they’ve ever heard those words at the clinic. It ended up being $30 for 2 blood tests for the HCG pregnancy hormone. Which ended up being 3 blood tests because the first one got lost. Good times. My numbers were excellent. The first one, done at 5weeks was 8000. The second one done at 6 weeks was 32,900. Very promising.

I was still not feeling good about the pregnancy yet. Both my other pregnancies involved first trimester nausea, and I wasn’t having any. I was exhausted beyond belief, but not nauseous. In fact, I was so exhausted I began to think it was not the pregnancy, but my thyroid levels. I felt very similar to how I felt last summer when my TSHwas off the charts. I didn’t feel very confident about going back to the clinic. So I waited until our benefits fully-transferred to California HMO. I went to see the doctor and told him, “I’m pregnant and I know my Thyroid levels are off.” I get the song and dance about how pregnancy comes with a certain amount of exhaustion early-on and that it is probably just that. I smiled politely and agreed, but would like my thyroid levels to be checked too. He reluctantly agrees, saying the doctorly thing of that “the results will undoubtedly come back normal, but it is good to have a base-line levels at the start of pregnancy.” He also referred me to a real OB doc.

Before my TSH results came back 4 days later, I realized that not only am I VERY tired, but I’ve been losing noticable amounts of hair AND I’m cold all the time– which for me is the sure sign of messed up thyroid because I normally run very hot.

Guess what my results were? My TSH was 12.04. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a sign of VERY messed up thyroid hormones. My endocrinologist in Denver liked to keep my TSHunder 1.7 because it helps with the cancer suppression. I’m sensitive to my TSH being elevated. It was 3.25 in February and I knew it, even thought my endo said I shouldn’t be able to tell anything unless it fell out of the range of normal, which is 4.5. So to hear the number 12.04 was shocking and concerning to me. First, there was some relief that it was thyroid-related and not just pregnancy. However, I knew it shouldn’t be that high.

I called my Denver endo and told him my levels and that I was pregnant and concerned. He called me back and was so nice and reassuring. He said thyroid demands during pregnancy can increase up to 30% and since I required a lot of thyroid replacement in the first place he was not concerned. He told me my new dose of Synthroid and told me to repeat the blood work in 6 weeks and call him back to confer. This truly makes up for all the waiting I had to do to get into see him the past 2 years. I love the man.

Except my new doc still wants me to see a endo specialist here. In fact, he didn’t want to change my Rx to what Denver endo ordered unless I promised to see his SoCal endo. Whatever, it’s not like I wanted to spend the $40 copay on anything else right now. 

The worst part about all of this is how long it takes for the medication to change how poorly I feel. From past experience, it will be a minimum of 4 weeks before I start to feel slightlybetter. Another bad part about this is that it now makes me even more concerned about the pregnancy. Elevated TSHalong with my other condition: Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, is a recipe for miscarriage.

Thankfully, I saw the OB –actually before my TSH levels came back, which btw, she too was confident would be normal because fatigue is common to pregnancy. Goes to show that I know my body better than any MD!!– and she ordered an ultrasound. Because of my prior miscarriage she just wanted to be sure everything was ok. So that will be this Friday. Fingers crossed for heartbeat!!

The only other thing I should mention about this pregnancy news is that my mom is not at all happy. In fact, she’s kind of mad. She keeps saying things like, “I don’t know why you want another when you barely take care of the two you have.” Yeah… OUCH. The best thing she said was, “I’ve been thinking, I don’t think this pregnancy is a very good thing right now.” Um, like she wants me to get rid of it. Not a chance. She’s just so negative and mean. You’d think most grandmothers would express at least some happiness at being a grandma again– at least after the initial shock wears off. But no, nothing. Not a thing.

I really don’t know why I care so much. I wish I could stop. But she is my mother.

To be continued: The Move Part 3: House Drama

 

SOLD

Our house is under contract. Phew.

Except, why don’t I feel a load off??? Because now we have a million and one things to do and a FINITE deadline to do them in.

Ugh, plus we may have to live with my parents for awhile, until some of Scott’s investment/colorado retirement money becomes available.

This is not really an acceptable arrangement for either of us. She (my mom) is already FREAKING OUT about us bringing our dogs. (“Can’t you just board them?” Yeah sure, for a month, when we have no money coming in. Thanks Mom, that’s super helpful!)

So, it will be interesting to see this situation unfold. It has cemented in my mind, though, that I want to live as far away from her as possible. It won’t be Colorado far, considering Scott’s job is 10 minutes away, but I don’t want to live too close.

UGH.