Permission

<Sigh>

I started therapy again yesterday. It was a new therapist. She was fine. Actually, she was probably pretty good, but I really liked my old therapist, and this one was very different from my last. But, she did get me thinking about my situation, which I guess is a good thing. So what is my situation?

<sigh>

1. I’m a mother to an 8 and 5 year old.
2. I’m pregnant with my last baby.
3. I’m severely depressed.
4. I’ve had to move back to California under less-than-ideal circumstances.
5. I’m having health issues because of my past thyroid cancer, being obese, and being pregnant.
6. My house is much smaller than my previous 2 houses and I have too much stuff.
7. My husband has had to step-up and take on the brunt of household/kid responsibility even though he works a full-day and I’m the stay-at-home parent.

<sigh>

I need to give myself permission to be OK with all of these things going on. I’m too hard on myself and have been beating myself up over each one. I need to allow myself to acknowledge the feelings that go along with each thing and not judge those feelings. Just feel those feelings.

I have no idea how to do that? How do I feel feelings without judging them or over-thinking them? Hmm.

1. I’m a mother to an 8 and 5 year old. Feelings: Worthless. Guilty.
2. I’m pregnant with my last baby. Feelings: Sadness. Dread. 
3. I’m severely depressed. Feelings: Depressed. Angry. Hopeless.
4. I’ve had to move back to California under less-than-ideal circumstances. Feelings: Sadness. Anger.
5. I’m having health issues because of my past thyroid cancer, being obese, and being pregnant. Feelings: Anger. Hopeless.
6. My house is much smaller than my previous 2 houses and I have too much stuff. Feelings: Overwhelmed. Sadness. Anger.
7. My husband has had to step-up and take on the brunt of the household/kid responsibility even though he works a full-day and I’m the stay-at-home parent. Feeling: GUILT, lots and lots of GUILT

 <sigh>

I’m trying not to judge. Just feel. Feel. Feel. No judging. Feeling. Feeling.

<sigh>

 

Dutton Dilemma

Since all the trouble that’s gone on in our family since February, when Scott found out he would not have a job for the next year in his Colorado district, Dutton has been getting the short end of the stick.

February was the time I was going to start obedience training with him, but with having to put our house on the market and everything that entailed, I couldn’t imagine having the energy to take him to obedience class and then working with him nightly. So we skipped obedience training and Dutton developed into a high energy boy.

While our house was on the market from roughly March through May, we had to keep it in top-notch condition. That meant no puppy could be in the house shedding and chewing on things making messes all over. So Dutton spent A LOT of time in the garage developing into a dog who craves human attention.

I, unfortunately, didn’t think of finding him a new home until about 2 weeks before we were set to move. It was at that time when I started to think about how stressful it was going to be moving 3 dogs from Colorado to California. About how we were going to have to stay with my parents for a couple weeks (turned into 6 weeks!) and the dogs would have to stay outside. Then I started to think about how unfair all of this has been to Dutton. About how we shouldn’t have brought a puppy into our lives at the time that we did. How this wasn’t Dutton’s fault.

However, Scott didn’t want to get rid of him. He said we would work with him. He said he would grow out of some of his high energyness. And it is true, during moments of calm, I could see Dutton was going to grow into a GREAT dog.  But could I make it that long?

So fast forward to the summer. My friend and her family took Dutton when we went to stay in a hotel after living with my parents for a week. My parents couldn’t handle the dogs destroying their yard. We couldn’t board the dogs because it was 4th of July weekend and everyone was full. Our only option was to go to a hotel that allowed dogs. I just knew, though, if we brought Dutton, we would never be able to leave him in the hotel by himself (with the other dogs). He would either bark his head off or destroy everything he could get his teeth and paws on. So we would essentially be hotel-bound. I didn’t like the idea of 3 dogs, 2 kids, and 2 adults being stuck in a hotel for 4 days. So Nancy and her family came to my rescue and took Dutton for those days. I’m so grateful to Nancy because she also worked on training Dutton while he was there, too.

At this point we had just found out I was pregnant and that we wouldn’t be getting the house we were in escrow for. I mentioned to Nancy that we needed to find a home for Dutton. She knew someone who might want him. That family ended up not working out, but it really made me realize I could find him a home. Scott was more OK with it, too. So Dutton stayed with Nancy and her family for over a week (maybe 2, I don’t remember the details at this point). During this time we moved back to my parents and boarded our 2 other dogs– at a cost of $36 per day. Dutton had overstayed his welcome at Nancy’s and we had to do something. Scott really wanted to keep him. So we decided to bring him to my parents and crate train him. Use the next 4 weeks for intensive, one-on-one training.

I wanted to pay someone to train him privately, but because we were already paying so much for boarding the other 2 dogs, we couldn’t swing it. I was feeling HORRIBLE at this point because my thyroid hormones were so out of whack from the pregnancy that I was basically useless for training him. Scott didn’t really know what to do on his own. So during this time, Dutton mastered sit and down (thanks to Nancy having laid a great foundation). He was still jumping up all over us and the kids. He was still really hyper and wouldn’t stay put for longer than 4.2 seconds.

When August rolled around and we were able to move into our house, things with Dutton got worse for me. First thing, Scott’s back at work and all the kid and dog stuff has fallen to me. Second, I’m still pregnant and not feeling great. Third, I have so much stuff to unpack and NO WHERE to put it in this much smaller house. Can you say Stress? And for me, what I was afraid of, stress usually leads to depression.  I knew I was going to be prone to it because I had gone off my anti-depressant when I was 7 weeks pregnant, but I didn’t expect it to hit me like a TON OF BRICKS.

BAM. I was now depressed and in a situation that was not conducive to getting better. The daily stress of kid duty, house duty, unpacking duty all while feeling like crap physically and mentally was a really bad combination. And Dutton wasn’t helping.

He was DESTROYING everything he could get his paws on in the backyard- plants, pool toys, furniture, screens, etc. Our Puggle, Toby, is having a hard time adjusting to being back with Dutton. Dutton just wants to play all day with Toby, and Toby has turned it into something serious on many occasions. Luckily Dutton is too good-natured to realize Toby is trying to fight him for real, and Dutton just keeps playing. But the constant fighting sounds cause me immediate stress.

And fair or not, true or not, in my mind, getting rid of Dutton will make me feel better. It is the only answer I can come up with to make my life better right now. He is constantly putting me over the edge. He is constantly doing one little thing more than I can handle. He is the reason I am so miserable right now.

My other issue is that I cannot imagine having to deal with Dutton and a newborn. The thought of that makes me cringe.

So my current mission is to find him a home. I went to the humane society, and they didn’t have room. I have called and emailed 20 rescue groups, mostly to get “we don’t have room for owner surrenders right now.” I have put up flyers in lots of different places. If I was frustrated before, I’m even more frustrated now. It was not easy to come to the decision to take Dutton out of our family, it really wasn’t, but it is even harder to have to live with him knowing we don’t want him. Owen is confused. “Are we keeping him now?” he asked, after the Humane Society turned Dutton away.

Scott is on-board now because he realizes how much of the daily dog care falls on me. He is supportive of finding him a home, as long as he won’t be killed. He was sure to let me know that he doesn’t think Dutton is the cause of all my problems and that many of those problems will still be here after Dutton is gone. But he does agree that right now, I don’t need Dutton putting me over the edge. I know I’m so close to the edge, but I don’t like it when I fall off.  And if finding Dutton a new home will take me a few steps away from that edge, I have to do it.

Anyone want an 11 month, Labrador retriever mix?

 

Plan of Action

So, tomorrow will be a week since we learned Scott doesn’t have a job next school year. How are we doing? Surprisingly OK.

I couldn’t stop crying for 2 days. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much my whole life. 

Then Scott sent an email to his old district to see about prospects back in California. They told him they will be having Assistant Principal openings next year and that he wouldn’t even have to interview, they’d just reinstate him. Basically, they’re giving him his old job back– IN CALIFORNIA.

Puts us in an interesting situation. Do we want to move 1200+ miles back to where we just left 19 months ago? Can we afford to? Can we afford NOT to?

My initial reaction was an adamant NO! However, the options here were ultimately less-satisfying:

• Scott can’t find a job here
• Scott finds a job, but it is at least a 45 minute commute each way
• Scott leaves education and takes ANY job he can find, but since he’s not qualified for much, he has to take a huge pay cut, which means I also have to go back to working full-time, also in ANY job I can find

 The details of leaving, however, are also not so simple:

• must sell house in a horrible market, losing most, if not all, of the money we brought from the sale of our Southern California home
• may not be able to purchase new home in SoCal, depending if we take away enough for a down payment from CO house sale
• might have to rent for awhile till we can save for down payment– which is not a HUGE deal, except I HATE the idea that we may have to switch the kids’ school when we go from rental to home ownership
• we will be able to afford a home that will probably be around 1600 sq ft– not a big deal until you consider we will be leaving our amazing 4400 sq ft home that’s on a third an acre (I’m actually OK with this one because I’ve been trying to simplify our life/home, but that is VERY hard to do in 4400 sq ft– not to mention the cleaning– OH THE CLEANING!)

 The plan we ultimately came up with is to meet with Realtors and list our home. The California district probably won’t be able to officially offer him anything solid for a month. During this time, he will look for and apply to any education jobs here within a 45 minute commute that he is qualified for. When the CA job is officially extended, he will have to take it. Scott has been adamant that he will not renege on his CA district no matter what happens here. He feels it is a huge compliment that they will reinstate him and he wants to honor them above all else. They also indicated that he can apply for Principalships in that district once he’s been reinstated.

Am I OK with this? Yes. Am I sad to leave here? Totally. I’ve made some awesome friends here and feel like I’ve really grown as a person, mother and wife. I love my Colorado life. But my family is ultimately the most important thing to me, and I figure I can continue my growth anywhere.

I am very stressed about the selling of our home. Part of it is a money aspect– I really hate the idea of losing so much of what we put into it. But that’s not what is stressing to me, it is truly more about the stress of selling a home– getting it ready, Realtors in and out, showing it, offers or lack of offers, closing dates, inspections, etc., etc., and all the UNKNOWNS and WHAT IFS? God I hate the WHAT IFS?

So what can I do about it? Nothing but breathe. Make my plans and do the things I can do to get prepared and breathe. That, and get some medication.

Yeah, I called my doc today. I was starting to feel blue a few weeks ago, but I was really pushing through it, determined that I could turn it around before it got bad and before I needed medication. However, this is how I know I’ve come along way in my growth and personal understanding of myself: I took an an honest look at how I was feeling and where I was heading and decided to be preemptive. “Yeah me!” for knowing what is ahead. “Yeah me!” for knowing how I get when I’m stressed and depressed. It is not pretty. And ”Yeah me!” for admitting I need help. This is a first in the 12+ years I’ve struggled with depression. 

I’m proud that I can now recognize that I will need help. I’m proud that I’m not waiting until it is too late because my family and I are suffering from the ill effects of my depression and stress. I’m proud I made that call today. I will take each pill with a sense of pride. Pride from knowing I love myself enough to do what I need to do to ensure we get through the next few months together as a strong, loving family. If we had to move all the way to Colorado and back for me to learn this lesson then it was worth it. 

 

Current Mood: UP, way UP

I had a great day today. It was almost so great I didn’t write about it. But, as I was about to shutdown my computer, I decided I had better write about it to see if writing would help me figure out what the “magic formula” was and/or so I could document that I do have good days– despite what I tell myself in the depths of despair.

So it started with me getting to sleep in until 8:45. I love it when Scott is off! The only reason I even got up at that time was to inform the kids as to the whereabouts of their snow gloves. We had a great little layer of snow last night and some flurries until about 10:30 this morning. This was a perfect snow because our street and driveway were melted on their own by 1pm. No shoveling necessary– BONUS!

I came down the stairs just as the kids were going outside. I checked my computer/internet junk and remembered that Enchanted started today. First and cheapest showing was at 10:10. I asked the kids and Scott if they wanted to go, which of course they did, so I got in the shower. I weighed myself before getting in the shower and it was a depressing number (249.9!!) which helped to confirm my resolve to lose weight.

We got to the theater just as the previews started. We shared a medium popcorn and two drinks– I love that our theater lets us get free refills on any size soda and popcorn, although it is tough to get up in the middle of a movie to go get them! Macy and I LOVED the movie. Scott didn’t care for it and kept wanting to escape to sneak into Fred Claus. I think he would have done it if Owen would have gone along with it, but Owen found parts of Enchanted extremely entertaining and the other parts weren’t as important as HOW HUNGRY HE WAS. (“Don’t you know I’m going to DIE, Mommy, if I don’t get some REAL food?!”)

Anyways, I really liked Enchanted. It was silly and funny and totally implausible, but I did enjoy myself. It truly was a real-life fairy tale. Of course, it probably didn’t hurt that Patrick Dempsey was in it– I love me some Dr. McDreamy!

So then we went home and ate lunch, while I started homemade chili for dinner. I went to snuggle Owen to sleep for his nap and was quite prepared to take one myself, however I wasn’t super sleepy and my HORRIBLE cough decided to strike again. (I must say this is the weirdest cough I’ve had in recent memory. I’m not coughing throughout the day, but about 6-8 times per day I will go into a coughing fit that leaves me gasping for breath in between coughs, peeing my pants (!), and a couple times already, I have coughed so hard I threw up. But when I’m not coughing, I’m TOTALLY FINE. Very weird. The only thing that seems to help is puffing on my inhaler during a fit.)

So I got up from snuggling my cute, little boy and went down stairs to straighten up the house. This is the first time since early in our marriage that I actually want to decorate for Christmas. There have been a few years, in the very recent past, that I didn’t even want to do it but I HAD to because of the kids. So I started cleaning up the house so I can decorate tomorrow, because I have this weird rule about decorating a dirty house– I just can’t do it.

So I made corn bread and yummy rice (just like my mom’s) to go with the chili. Dinner was delicious! After dinner, I made a salad and sweet potatoes to take tomorrow to Thanksgiving dinner at our friends’. I did a craft with the kids. I used our new electric pencil sharpener to sharpen ALL the colored pencils and writing pencils in the house– at least 100! (But BOY, will it be nice not to have to hear that there are no sharp pencils anywhere!)

Macy and I danced and sang away to Laurie Berkner, which was probably the highlight of the day. We used to listed to the Victor Vito cd all the time when Owen was first born and she was 3. We knew all the words and hearing it again was awesome! I really love Laurie’s music, voice, etc.– in fact, I wish she didn’t just do children’s stuff. It was listening to her cd and dancing and bopping about that made me realize what a good mood I was in. I think part of me associates good feelings with that cd and just hearing it made me feel happy.

So Scott and the kids went to bed at 8:45, and I stayed up to finish the sweet potato casserole. I’ve still got a bit of a mess to clean up in the kitchen, but after no nap today, I’m going to bed as soon as I hit “Publish.”

I think one of the reasons I’m pretty pleased with my mood being so good is that I’ve been off the Eff*xor (anti-depressant) for over a month now, and deep down I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it hasn’t. I’ve been feeling great- normal, even! I have times when I’m down, but it is clearly not the depression, so I’m able to cope. And even tonight when I was feeling so good, I had to stop and ask myself, “Am I manic?” and the answer was clearly NO, I was just having a good day and enjoying time with my family.

Man, I hope this is my future!

 

Money & Mood

I got a job a week ago and worked 20 hours last week. I got paid $240 in cash on Friday. Almost all that money is already gone and I’m left scratching my head. I know what we bought and spent the money on, but I just can’t believe how fast it went. Probably because I, myself, worked hard for every dollar. I’m feeling like, at the age of 32, I’ve learned the value of a dollar all over again.

Scott has been bitching about all the money we’ve (read: I’ve) been spending since we’ve moved to Colorado. I would defend myself by saying that it was for the house or kids or whatever. I felt badly that he was getting so stressed about it, so I got a job.

It’s not like I’ve never worked before. I made good money for eight and a half years as a teacher and before that I waitressed all through college. I know the value of a dollar. But when we moved out here and I was lonely, stressed, overwhelmed, or all of the above, I would go shopping. Deep down I felt like maybe I was a little out of control, but truly, I was buying things for the kids or the house and I was shopping for good deals and most of the things were needed. I know I did (and still do) a lot of my shopping to avoid being in my messy house, to avoid having to clean it. I know that that is not healthy. But what is killing me right now, is that it took earning my own money for me to realize what Scott has been bitching about.

It’s not that I thought he was thinking of it as “his” money, he’s not like that. I know some SAHMs are made to feel that they are not worth anything because they don’t make any money– that was not my deal either. It was more because when we both worked if we wanted something, we bought it. We were making decent money, as a two-teacher family, even with our HUGE Southern California house payment and 2 car payments. Unfortunately, even though it was good we didn’t have credit card debt, we also didn’t have anything saved. Man, I think of the money we made then and wasted; sheese, I really can’t do that to myself.

Bottom line, as I type this I’ve had a sort of epiphany: I don’t know how to live on budget because I’ve never had to. Both Scott and I have thrown this word around for years, not unlike the way we’ve both been on and off diets, but we’ve never stuck to it (a budget or a diet). In many ways, Scott is as guilty as me, especially earlier on when we were first married. But he’s been throwing the B-word around a lot more lately and seems motivated to live on one. His frustration with me not being able to “control my spending,” as he says it, has definitely put him in a budget-conscious place. And now, my realization that my hard-earned money is gone has put me in a much more budget-conscious place.

Could this be the time to implement and stick to a budget? I’m kind of feeling like if it is not now, it will never happen. But then I also have this nagging feeling that it is like I’m starting a new diet.

By the way, I love my new job. It is a perfect job for me and my family right now. A lady I know two ways, as a friend of a friend and as the mom of a boy in Macy’s class, opened a children’s consignment shop today. I worked last week to help her get everything ready and will work 2 or 3 days per week from now on. It is flexible. She has a play room and lets me bring Owen to work (it was actually her suggestion). She’s really nice and we get along great. What is really funny about the situation is that 5 months ago, right after my thyroid surgery when I was looking for used dance shoes for Macy’s new dance class, I told Scott, “This town needs a children’s consignment shop.” Scott told me to open one (he was serious, he’s always telling me I should do some sort of business for myself, I think he has way more confidence in my abilities than I do). I told him “no way” because I knew it would involve a lot of work to get it started and I couldn’t imagine being tied down to my own shop, plus I lack self-confidence and I couldn’t imagine that I could make it successful. Anyways, when I heard C. was going to be opening one in town, I told her immediately that I would love to work there if she needs someone. A couple months later she asks if I’m still interested. I told her I was. Then she told me she was going to pay me $12 per hour and let me bring my kids to work, not to mention being flexible in the hours. I felt like the perfect opportunity landed in my lap. I wasn’t supposed to start until she was up and running and making some money to pay me, but she needed help getting the store open, so I worked a lot last week. I kind of feel like I opened the store I wanted to after all, just without the risk and time commitment. It actually is a win-win situation, because C. now has someone who feels ownership in her store, is trustworthy, dependable and hardworking. Can a job be anymore perfect?  

 

Hmmm… I guess it HAS been awhile

Well, since it would be too difficult to go over everything I’ve done the last month, I’ll give a brief summary of how I felt during all of it: CRAPPY.

I’m still suffering from being extremely (for me, anyways) hypothyroid. I don’t know what my official blood “levels” are or anything, but since the Radioactive Iodine I have just felt tired, weak, sore, exhausted, and blah. I started the thyroid hormones the day after the treatment, but they take up to 6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels. I called the doctor last week to ask if there is anything else I can do to feel better, and of course there is nothing else to do but wait.

So the last few weeks I have just been surviving rather than living. Getting the kids dressed and fed is about all I can manage. Scott is getting frustrated and I feel bad. I am frustrated. All of this has made me depressed again. I thought I was done with depression, I had been feeling so much better.

 

Grumpy day

I was just feeling crappy, and blah and short-tempered today. I had been thinking last week, "Wow, I’m doing great here. Maybe I can start cutting back on my meds." So then today I feel like this. My first thought is, "Crap. Here I go again. Just when I thought I was better."

Then tonight, when I was short with DH, DD, and DS all separately, but within 5 minutes, I realized something, I’m PMSing! I’ve skipped my last couple periods because of all that is going on, so I wasn’t really thinking about it. But I took "The Ring" out on Tuesday, which means I’ll start tomorrow. I’ve never been so glad to be pre-menstrual!

 

Depression Sucks

There is that ad campaign for a depression drug with the slogan, "Depression Hurts". I can’t find a single false statement in their campaign. It is true. But even more true is the statement, Depression Sucks.

(Sigh)…..

(Sigh)…..

(Sigh)…. etc, etc. I don’t know what to say.

The last 2 days have been horrible. I have basically withdrawn from my life. I can’t connect to my kids; nor do I feel like I want to. I am completely taking advantage of my husband’s good will; I am pushing him away. I feel like the biggest piece of crap. I am worthless.

I want to be done with this crap. I have to do this myself. I’m tired of waiting for the right pill to work.

I choose living. Easter will be my rebirth. I am going to live the life I want.

 

Day 1 w/o my nap

Well, I did as my psychiatrist suggested and gave up the nap. I got a horrible headache as I always do when I don’t take a nap, but I had a GREAT afternoon with DD. I gave her undivided attention as she did her homework, and then we did a craft. My head hurt, but I could just see how much it meant to her. Wow, it did kind of make it worth it. She wrote me an unsolicited note that said, "I love my mommy." She was quite affectionate. I have to open my heart to her again… she’s too young to write off, which is what I had essentially done in my depression. Stupid depression.

I took my first pill of my new medication today- Effexor. Nothing yet. Of course, it could take up to 6 weeks before I notice anything. Hopefully it will be like the others I’ve been on, and I’ll notice a slight positive change at 2 weeks. This medication is more difficult to take because I have to gradually build up my dose. I hate having to remember how many I’m supposed to take and when. But boy, am I glad I have health insurance. I read my receipt, and this bottle of pills that should last a little more than a month would have cost me $292!!! DH thinks that the high cost of this medication is why it wasn’t prescribed sooner. Can’t prove that.

Well, I forced the kids to bed early and now I am going to go crash.

 

Update….

Ahhh, I’m feeling so much better than I was the last time I posted! Thank God!

I feel like a lot has happened, but really only one big thing: I quit my job. I’ve officially resigned. The only string attached still is that I have to turn in my keys and pick up some boxes. I also feel like I should write a letter to my students, if I’m up to it.

I had no idea work was making me so miserable. I really didn’t think it was the cause of so much of my trouble, and maybe it wasn’t, but so much has gotten better since I quit. I think it is the chicken and the egg syndrome, I don’t know what caused what, but now work is gone and I feel better. It is not like I’m perfect, I still struggle, but I feel like I can handle other stresses and stressors much better.

In fact, Thanksgiving was awesome. It was at my house again, and I wasn’t stressed out at all. Now of course, Flylady was a big help because I did do a little bit at a time, but, I felt calm and I enjoyed the day. The meal was great. My mom helped (of course) but I feel like I didn’t rely on her to do everything this year. This was the first year I thought, "Hey, I know what I’m doing!"

Another thing- I’m ready to put up the Christmas tree this weekend. I have never been ready to decorate this early. In fact, in recent years, I wouldn’t have decorated at all if it weren’t for DH and the kids. DH would get the tree out and put it together and threaten to decorate it himself if I didn’t want to do it. That usually was enough to motivate me to get up and do it- but it would be at least Dec. 15th by the time he got to that point. AND, I’ve got A LOT of my shopping done already! I can’t believe it. Normally I would wait until I was out of school for winter recess to do the bulk of my shopping, but this year, I made my list early and have been chipping away at it. I’m cutting back on the gifts because of financial necessity, but also because I want to try and find the meaning of Christmas this year. Yeah, right, but I’m going to attempt to "Unplug the Christmas Machine."

Ok, my last brag to show how much better I’m doing…. I just finished addressing my Christmas cards!! Heeheee! That feels so good. I got this wild idea that I wanted to be the first card that most of my friends and family receive. Not that I’ll receive any awards or anything for it, but I think that will leave an impression, "Wow, OTCMommy sure has her act together this year." Hee hee.