Hmmm… I guess it HAS been awhile

Well, since it would be too difficult to go over everything I’ve done the last month, I’ll give a brief summary of how I felt during all of it: CRAPPY.

I’m still suffering from being extremely (for me, anyways) hypothyroid. I don’t know what my official blood “levels” are or anything, but since the Radioactive Iodine I have just felt tired, weak, sore, exhausted, and blah. I started the thyroid hormones the day after the treatment, but they take up to 6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels. I called the doctor last week to ask if there is anything else I can do to feel better, and of course there is nothing else to do but wait.

So the last few weeks I have just been surviving rather than living. Getting the kids dressed and fed is about all I can manage. Scott is getting frustrated and I feel bad. I am frustrated. All of this has made me depressed again. I thought I was done with depression, I had been feeling so much better.

 

Caffeine-induced Brain Dump

Scott turned 40 today. We went out to dinner with some friends. It was nice. I had too much caffeine with dinner (3 iced teas and 2 coffees), so I’m up perusing the Internet. There’s a lot of stuff out there.

My surgery went fine. My neck is much better, just swollen and numb. I’m trying very hard not to pick at the scab, but that is hard for me since “scab-picking” has been my life-long bad habit. On another note, a bad one anyways, it was all cancer. The thyroid itself had 2 tumors, both papillary carcinoma and then he took out all of the surrounding lymph nodes– a total of 12- all metastatic cancer. Good times. My prognosis is still excellent, I have a much higher chance of recurrence down the road, though. Still, thyroid cancer is the most treatable cancer to date. I’m glad it picked me.

It was actually nice having my parents here (my dad came for 2 days so my mom wouldn’t have to fly home alone.) Mom was on her best behavior and was super helpful. Although once she got a whiff of how much better I was doing by Tuesday she started in about my napping habit. I told her I keep the house relatively clean, cook dinner 6 nights per week, shuffle the kids to and from activities, and do regular loads of laundry all while taking a daily nap. I’m quite pleased with all that I accomplish and the nap helps me do that. Plus, Hello?? I am recovering from surgery? I have no thyroid, now? And I have cancer? I think I’m doing quite well for myself.

Ryan and M. were here those first 2 days… I don’t remember much about their visit. They put together my new elliptical machine! Yes. Now I get to exercise. I really would have liked to have done more with them, but I warned them about coming so soon after my surgery.

My mom ended up in the hospital the night after she got home– Friday night and Saturday until 5ish. She was having severe chest pains. They thought she might have had a heart attack or a blood clot. The EKG showed that her heart was in distress, but after further tests, she did NOT have a heart attack nor a blood clot. They really don’t know what it was. Of course this is not going to be enough for her to change the way she lives her life— full of self-induced stress. I think she is actually incapable of that unless she has a nearer-death experience.

I’m feeling motivated. I’m not sure what I feel motivated to do, lots of things really and nothing in particular. Kind of weird. I’m going to go with it. Start small. Work my way up. Change the world by being the best me I can be.

I think one of the things that has been missing from my life is music. It touches me so much some times. For instance, tonight I’ve been listening to Ed Robertson’s “Bathroom Sessions” that he posted on YouTube. Wow, pure inspiration. A guitar, an awesome voice and a bathroom= magic. Who knew? Anyways, it just reminded me how much I loved playing music. Sure I was only a dorky Clarinet player, but music was my passion, not the instrument. Plus, I’ve been having weird dreams about playing again. I think I’m going to learn a new instrument. In all my spare time.

I’ll leave you with my favorite of Ed’s bathroom songs: For you. This has always been one of my favorite BNL songs, but this version is awesome. Love it. Enjoy.

 

Sick kid

I can’t possibly count all the ways I feel like a failure as a mom, and I am not going to because that will do nothing good for my depression and self-esteem, however, there is one time when I feel the most horrible, and have since they were little– when they are sick.

Now, I know that no mom, no matter how great they are, loves taking care of sick kids, but I SUCK at it! Here are the reasons I fail Mothering 101.

First, I can deal with any other bodily fluid except vomit. I hate vomit mainly because I am highly suggestive to it and I get the dry heaves every time. I can’t say anything more descriptive because it will make me see it and smell it and want to throw up on my keyboard. I’m serious, I’m highly suggestive. UGH. <Burp> Eww, excuse me.

Second, I become obsessed with the thought, "I can’t get this. God help me not get this." Mainly, again, because of the above reason, I hate vomit- even more so when I’m doing it. So, I’m not volunteering to cuddle sick kids. And when I do it, it is very detached. I’m sure they can feel how much I don’t want to cuddle them (well, maybe not, they’re feeling so crappy, they probably don’t chalk it up to my bad mothering- but still I know.)

Third, I’m just unsympathetic. I hate it. I can totally be concerned with every minor scratch and bump, but when they are genuinely ill,I don’t know why, I just can’t muster it. I can’t even fake it very convincingly.

I hate myself. I suck.

Get well soon, Macy. Mommy does love you, but please don’t give this to me.

 

‘Barenaked Ladies Are ME’ and the DMV

Scott and I went to the BNL concert last night in Denver. They were AWESOME as always. I love them.

It was especially nice because that was our first night out without kids in…. like forever!! Thanks to our new friends. I’m just so excited to have friends now that having them watch our kids was just an extra special bonus.

Unfortunately, we had to get up super early this morning to go the the Colorado department of Driver’s licensing. Ugh. We didn’t get home from picking the kids up until after 11:45, and we were out of the house this morning at 6:25 AM!! We had heard horror stories about the lines, and we wanted to be one of the first people in the door at 8AM when they opened.

So add this to your collection of DMV horror stories. We got to the office at 7:35. We were 8 or 9th in line. We had eaten, had our coffee, brought distractions for the kids, and were ready to go. UM, yeah, but the "computers were down." The entire state DMV system could not connect to the social security system, which means they could do NOTHING except give people written and road tests (but after they passed- or failed- they couldn’t do anything else).

So we waited. It could have been 5 minutes, it could have been 5 days. No one knew what was wrong or how to fix it or IF someone was fixing it.

I waited patiently. The kids were nicely distracted- intermittently, of course. Scott, he was agitated. He didn’t want to wait at all. This is so unusual for him. He is such a patient guy when it comes to most things. I think it was the not knowing if it would ever be fixed. That, or he was going to go to the driving range to break in his new clubs after we were done. Yeah, it was probably the later.

Anyways, I somehow convinced him to stay until 10:30. But I just knew that I would leave and it would come back online. I felt like I had invested so much time already, I didn’t want to come back on Friday, which would be even more busy than usual because of the holiday AND having all those people who left today come back on Friday. So I decided to stay. Scott took the kids home to get his phone so I could call him if I happened to finish or when I was finally willing to admit defeat.

He calls at noon. I admit defeat and tell him to come get me. Not 4 minutes before he arrives the computers come online. I’m the only one left from the morning. It took us another 45 minutes to both finish everything up, but WE GOT IT DONE! And why? Because I chose to wait! Yeah me!

So, we got home at 1:30 after eating Chic-fil-A in the car. And what did I do to celebrate? I went to bed. Scott got to go to the driving range twice- once with Macy, when Owen and I napped, and then again with both kids after the nap. I think he’s done complaining.

(Click Below To Read my DMV Poetry)

 

Me, The Bad Mood Dude

So I’m in a pissy mood, sitting here all by my lonesome. My mood is probably the reason I am by my lonesome. Scott, in a very jovial, but kind of serious tone said, "I’m taking the kids out of here. You’re poopy."

And I am poopy. I’ve been poopy all morning. Pick a reason:

1. Pregnancy test was negative.

2. Neighbors (we have only one, right now) had the fire dept, ambulance, and police at their house at 7:35. We don’t know why. No one left the house in the ambulance or the police car. The curiosity is killing me. Scott commenced calling me a busy body. Tell me, Who wouldn’t want to know???

3. We went out to our traditional Sunday morning breakfaster. It was really crowded. We had to wait for our food. On top of that, we forgot to bring any cash for our newspaper!

4. Finally got a paper on the way home. (Who uses a credit card to purchase only a paper???) Guess what…. there was NO TARGET Ad. That really irks me. I don’t know why it makes me so happy to read my Target ad every Sunday. I just love it.

5. I thinking I’m PMS-ing. (See #1)

6. I had a freaky  dream about having to dress up as a pumpkin fairy (don’t ask) and pose and take pictures with kids at a store of some kind. This was my punishment for bringing sheets into some store to match up with something. They thought I was shoplifting the sheets. Even though I was exonerated, I still had my punishment. It really pissed me off. I woke up pissed.

I think it is a tie between #1 and #4.  Seriously, I don’t know why the Target ad has done this to me, it doesn’t make sense. I can’t get over it. Maybe that’s because of #5?

As for #1, I would have bet BIG money I was pregnant. Not that we are trying. But I really, Really, REALLY want to be pregnant right now. Scott…. not so much. And he has all these great, logical reasons too (that’s enough to piss anyone off). But I had all the signs and symptoms last week. I’m talking ALL! But nope. Grr. Very irritating. Now I’m not going to have an excuse for "forgetting" contraception for at least 3-4 months. Geesh. Maybe I can meet some of his conditions in that time. Who would think you’d have to work so hard to have another baby?

All right, I’m going to go and try to take some of my frustration/irritation/negative energy out on my house. and laundry. and Costco purchases that I need to find a home for.

UPDATE: Oh yeah, and I can’t seem to win a single game of spider solitaire. I happen to think I am an excellent solitaire player, mostly because I play it all the time, but I can’t win today to save my life.

 

Soukii Stats

Percent of the house unpack, put away and organized: 75%

Number of pictures newly hanging on walls: 7

Percent of the house "company clean": 50% (The downstairs, which is what really counts)

Number of household vehicles officially registered with State of Colorado: 2

Number of meals cooked so far this week: 4

Number of Advil I’m going to take to help my sore back: 3

I’m feeling pretty terrific (except my back!) because I got so much done today. And tomorrow I can do even more since I have to wait around from 11-3 for the garage door openers to be installed and my new windshield to be installed. Yippee! I’m such a SHE, though. I keep thinking that "if I can just get this all done, I’ll be able to ___________________ (fill in the blank with something enjoyable, like scrapbook, workout, play with the kids, read a book, train the dog, etc)." I know Flylady preaches that you are not behind and to jump in right where you are, but moving into a new house is such a perfect opportunity to start with a clean slate.

 

Wondering

I’ve been working like a dog trying to get this house unpacked. My mind has been wandering. Some of my ramblings:

If my life were a tv show, would it be a drama or a sit-com?

It is cold. I wonder if I’m ready for my first real winter?

What was I thinking when I bought this?

What was I thinking when I MOVED this 1000 miles?

Where am I going to put all of this crap?

Why couldn’t Macy be in school right now?

When are they going to bring my trash can?

I wonder how much I can sell my used boxes for on Craigslist?

I love office supplies. I wonder if the reason I love them is what I think it is?

Parenting is difficult. Good parenting is exhausting. I was a great parent today, I wonder how long this will last?

I wonder how long I can go before I get my Colorado plates? Will law enforcement really pull me over just because of my California plates? (Who cares if they’re expired!)

The people in our neighborhood refer to us as either "The California People" or "The people who moved into the Grande River Model." Which is worse?

I need to learn the names and styles of the different floor plans in my neighborhood so I can know who everyone else is referring to when they say, "The family in the green Cottonwood." Hmm, is it even worth it?

I didn’t take a nap today and Owen is going to be up very early tomorrow. Why am I still awake?

I

 

sadness: Steve Irwin aka the ”Crocodile Hunter”

When I read this this morning, I was so sad I cried… real tears. (remember, a side-effect of the meds is that I hardly ever cry anymore, sometimes I find I can’t cry even when I want to.) It is not like I was a huge fan or anything, but I always found him amusing on late-night and day-time talk shows, when I happened to catch him. He had a Great energy. His love for animals was so obvious and contagious. I once read an article where he said he did not liking doing the talk shows that just wanted his animals to be the joke on the host- you know, where it made the host uncomfortable and so got ratings. He wanted to really preach that animals were spectacular and to be treasured. But he did those shows because that was the only way to get his message out.

Farewell Steve, I hope you find Heaven as fun as your human life must have been. To me you are the epitome of living each day to the fullest. Although your life was shorter than it should have been, I would bet money that you did all you wanted and more.

 

When the going gets tough….

the tough, evidently, get a puppy. Well, at least that’s what I do. I mean, afterall, won’t a puppy make everything better?

Meet Toby. 9 week old male Puggle (pug/beagle mix).

 

and I smell like one too!

Today I turned 31. I’ve never been real big on celebrating my birthdays, so this one was no different. Since we just got home yesterday, I had a lot of unpacking to do and A LOT of laundry. My first thought was, "Hey, I don’t have to do this… it’s my birthday." But I realized that it was just an excuse to procrastinate, and I’m really trying to stop procrastinating (no, really, I am). Anyways, so I did all the laundry and unpacked all the downstairs stuff. It felt really good. It was a birthday present to myself.

The one thing about my birthday that catches me off-guard every year is that I always wonder if my birth-mom remembers the day. I truly don’t think that being adopted means that much to me until my birthday comes around and BOOM, in come all the questions. I just feel, now as a mother myself, how can she not remember the day she gave birth to a baby? Then I wonder if she thinks about me. It starts a whole flood of questions like that, which ultimately makes me wonder, "Whys does this matter to me now?" For which I have no answer other than: it shouldn’t.