Well, after all the early drama of being contacted by my birthmom, things have settled down quite nicely. It is important to note, the drama was all mine and completely self-imposed and created.
I have really enjoyed getting to know “Kathy.” I’m glad it happened the way it happened. The only thing I would have changed would have been the way I told my mom (adopted mom). Telling her is what contributed to the extra stress and drama I experienced. I don’t think I could have kept it a secret from her for very long, and I don’t know that anything would have made it better for her (which in turn would have made it easier for me), but I shouldn’t have told her I was contacted by Kathy until much later, when I knew how I felt about it. But that is in the past now and I still have to balance how much to tell my mom. (Trust me, I lean towards telling her nothing most of the time.)
Anyways, Kathy is an amazingly interesting woman whom I am glad to be related to. I don’t feel an intense, biological ”connection” to her, but there has been something very nice about knowing someone biologically related to me. We talk about once each week on the phone and will email a couple times per week. I feel like we are developing a nice friendship. She knows I am not looking for a new mother.
I think it is fairly safe to say that she definitely feels more of a connection to me and she has been amazing about not being pushy. She is definitely letting me set the pace of our relationship. As a mother myself, I completely understand where she is coming from and respect her immensely for being patient and waiting until things calm down for me. I mean, who could have predicted that when she chose to find me it would be during such an incredibly crazy time in my life: moving, baby, lifestyle, etc?? No one. But it is what it is and we are working around it.
We are setting up a date to meet in person sometime in May. She is going to come down here for a visit. I am looking forward to meeting her, but not to the balancing act I will have to negotiate with my mom. I am trying to take the same approach with my mom about everything Kathy-related: IT IS NOT ABOUT HER (a-mom), IT IS ABOUT ME AND KATHY. Although my mom feels very threatened and nervous about the whole thing, that is just her really wishing she could control the situation or erase the situation completely- which she can do neither. All I can do is be matter-of-fact about things and only share with her things I want to share. Although, my mom better realize soon that the more she tries to find fault with Kathy and the things I tell her about Kathy, the less I will share with her. So it will come down to what is the stronger desire for my mom: her need to know some of what Kathy tells me OR her need to make herself feel better by putting Kathy down. Hmmm. I don’t think my mom would like those two choices. But again, I am in the driver’s seat here.
So, that is the update for now.
