Hmmm. I never thought I’d be writing this post. I never thought I’d be having to make these decisions. I really wish it wasn’t happening right at this moment.

Today I was contacted by a person hired by my birthmom to find me. (BTW: have I mentioned I’m adopted? since birth. private adoption. CLOSED adoption.)

I was so shocked by this– I still am– I don’t quite know what to think about it all.

My initial reaction is: WHY NOW? Why after 33 and a half years does she want to initiate contact. What does she want from me? What does getting to know me after all these years do for her, now?

This is such a bad time for me. The depression, the move and this pregnancy do not have me in the most “stable” place right now, emotionally speaking. Gosh, a year ago, even 2 or more years ago, I would have been excited and honored that she still thought about me– I would probably have gone so far as to say “flattered” that I was not something completely erased from her past. But now? Again, I have to ask: WHY NOW?

Am I curious? Of course I am.

Have I thought of finding her?  More than once.

But this is real. She’s out there and wants to reach out to me. She has paid someone money to find me. She’s serious. My curiosity never took me that far. My curiosity never got that serious because several things got  in the way: my own fear and fear of/for my mother.

For myself, I was fearful of rejection. She gave me away once, how hard would it be for her to dismiss me again? Except this time it would hurt. Being rejected as an adult would make me question myself, my life and my very being. I couldn’t open myself up to that.

The fear of/for my mother is a little more complicated. I’m, of course, talking about the only mother I’ve ever had, the mother who fed me, clothed me, loved me, protected me, and raised me: my adopting mother. My mom and I have our own issues, but at the core is love. I’ve always known that my searching for my biological mother would be interpreted by her as me rejecting her. I could never hurt her like that. There have been many times when she’s said she’ll support me, if that what I want to do, but the look in her eyes was always clearly, “I hope you don’t need it. I hope I haven’t failed you. I hope I’m enough of a mother for you.”

Now, as a mother myself, I can’t argue with those feelings. What mother would ever want their child to seek out something that they could never give them? As a mother, you hope and pray with all of your being that you are “enough” for your child. You may not be perfect, but there is comfort in knowing you are doing the best you can for your child and giving them exactly what they want and need. But for an adopting mother, I have to imagine there is an extra amount of doubt. A doubt in wondering if you really deserve this child and are doing right by her. At least, that is what I imagine my own mother, a notorious self-doubter to begin with, imagining.

If I seek out a relationship– even in the most non-threatening way possible– I will have to live with the guilt that I am hurting my mother.

I know that I am an adult and have a “right” to see this thing through to satisfy my own basic curiosity and needs. But what is the cost to me? What do I stand to lose?

What if she is a crazy person? With my own mental health issues it is completely possible that she is unstable. It is possible that she is not well-adjusted and is doing this on a whim with no thought to the repercussions to herself or myself. And unfortunately, I think the only way to discover that will be through hind-sight.

Things won’t ever be the same. Learning information, even information that I have wanted to know for years, can’t be unlearned. The good, the bad, or the ugly information can’t be erased once heard by my ears. Stuff that is part of my family history, medical and personal, will finally become known to me. There has been comfort in not knowing my past. I didn’t know it until I faced not ever having the comfort of that ignorance again. 

The woman who was hired to find me is a  birthmother herself, so of course she had very positive things to say about me at least talking to my birthmother. Not to mention the fact, that she was paid to find me. I don’t trust that she has my best interest at heart. She is a professional, I guess that is what someone who has facilitated reunions on more than one occasion can be called. When I told her I didn’t think I was ready for this right now, she let me know, in a very nice way, that there could be repercussions to any future relationship I may or may not have with this woman if I take that stance. She asked me to sleep on it tonight and then she will call me tomorrow to go over what could be the possible consequences of waiting a few days, weeks, months or even years– whatever that means. It felt a little pushy to me, after the fact.

I told her I was concerned about how my mother would feel. (Interesting aside: I didn’t even think that my dad would be affected by my decision either way. Not that he doesn’t care, but this is not something he could ever get worked up over.) She told me that 50% of adopting parents are against any type of reunion and 50% support it to some degree. She said it would be hard for me to know which way my parents would go (HA! She didn’t even ask if I had an idea of how my mom would go, probably because as a birthmom she automatically discounts adopting parents feelings.) But she did say that “most” come around to accept whatever decision the adoptee makes. But hello? What other choice do they have? I am not fearful of my mom “disowning me,” I am trying to protect her feelings as my mother.

She did give me some information. She told me her first name. She told me she lives in Washington State.  She told me she never had any other children. She told me that my birthmom recently had contact with my birthfather and that she doesn’t think badly of him. (I guess that is not typical, which is why she told me.)

But it is this last piece of information that unsettled me the most. Where is this woman at in her life that she has had contact with a former lover, whom she had a child with and is now seeking out said child? What is going on with her life? What does she want from him and from me? Why wait 33 years? Why do it before the holidays? WHY NOW?

<sigh> The sad, unmistakable fact is this: If I want that question and more answered, the only way to do it is to go ahead and have contact with her. However, I am aware that once I ring that bell, it cannot be un-rung.