My plea to the universe

Easton2, originally uploaded by soukii.

Easton is a month old, and it has been a VERY long month. I’m cool with it. Exhaustion is what comes with a newborn. It won’t last forever.

What I’m not cool with is people and their comments. So, I’m going to throw this out there to the universe/ Internet in the hopes that people will stop asking me and other new mothers these questions.

1. You look tired, are you getting any sleep? This is just polite code for, “Wow, you look like SH*@!” Yes, I’m aware I look tired, but that’s because I AM tired. No need to point out the obvious, OK?

2. Is he a preemie? For whatever reason, people think Easton looks really tiny. He’s currently over 8 lbs. I think most people just plain forget how tiny babies start out. But please stop commenting on his small size. He didn’t gain weight fast enough the first 2 weeks, so you commenting to me about it just makes me worry all over again, even though I KNOW in my gut he’s fine right now. So please, just comment on his cuteness, OK?

3. You’re taking him out so young? This one usually comes from well-meaning old people, but it is annoying all the same. Um hello? Stop passing judgement. I have 2 older children and a busy life, I don’t have the luxury of just staying holed up at home. Because if I could, I would. Now step-off!

And the one question that I really don’t know how to answer and I HATE the most:

4. Is he a good baby? My first response to this is now going to be, “I don’t know. Can you tell me what a badbaby is?” I mean hello? I love this little guy, but he is a demanding newborn, like most newborns are. Why do you want me to label him “good.” Nobody would ask you this about your toddler or preschooler because you might say “No, they are hell of wheels!” But people think it is ok to ask about a baby, probably because most people have romanticized babyhood, especially women who deep down want another one. They only want to hear the good. I suppose I should just answer “Yes,” but that just encourages the question. He’s not good or bad, he’s a BABY! He’s hard work and I’m handling it, please don’t make me try and label him.

Phew, I got that off my chest.

 

Home

Easton, birth 007, originally uploaded by soukii.

Easton and Mommy were released from the hospital on Monday. We got home at 2:30 in the afternoon.

Why are hospitals so against sleep? They wouldn’t let me turn the lights off (”You can’t see if the baby turns blue!?” Um, I can’t see if the baby turns blue if I’m asleep either?) And they were coming in at least every hour and a half to check on or do something to one of us at a time. They NEVER did something to both of us in one visit. (”Ok, here are your meds. I’ll be back in an hour to check the baby’s vitals.” WTF?!?!)

So, needless to say we are happy to be home. However, things haven’t improved much in the sleep department.

 

Welcome to the World!

Easton, birth 033, originally uploaded by soukii.

Easton Cole

Born: Sunday, February 22, 2009 @ 1:40 am

Weight: 7lbs, 7oz

Length: 19.5 inches

Mother and baby are doing fantastic.

 

Thoughts at 38.5 weeks

I’m so done. I’m done with being pregnant and I’m done with being diabetic.

I’m so frustrated. I’m dilated to almost 3, but he is just not down far enough to kick me into active labor. I have had so much freak’n amniotic fluid it prevents his head from really engaging.

I’m so hormonal. I’m so sad.  I don’t really know why, other than the hormones.

I feel hopeless. Like I’m never going to have this kid. Yet scared that I’m going to have him so soon.

I feel so unlike myself. It is not a nice feeling, especially when I would already be hard-pressed to say that I know who/what I am normally? Does that make sense? It does to me. It is really profound to me, anyways.

I really want to have this baby, but I’m so scared too. I’ve done it before, so it is not the labor part. Part of it is I’m scared of having to have a c-section. But I’m just scared about how I’m going to manage this baby. We are so busy with the kids in baseball and softball and Scott’s job. I am fearful I won’t be able to step it up, but I have to. Everyone is depending on me. I don’t know where I’m going to get the strength.

 

Adoption Update

Well, after all the early drama of being contacted by my birthmom, things have settled down quite nicely. It is important to note, the drama was all mine and completely self-imposed and created.

I have really enjoyed getting to know “Kathy.” I’m glad it happened the way it happened. The only thing I would have changed would have been the way I told my mom (adopted mom). Telling her is what contributed to the extra stress and drama I experienced. I don’t think I could have kept it a secret from her for very long, and I don’t know that anything would have made it better for her (which in turn would have made it easier for me), but I shouldn’t have told her I was contacted by Kathy until much later, when I knew how I felt about it. But that is in the past now and I still have to balance how much to tell my mom. (Trust me, I lean towards telling her nothing most of the time.)

Anyways, Kathy is an amazingly interesting woman whom I am glad to be related to. I don’t feel an intense, biological ”connection” to her, but there has been something very nice about knowing someone biologically related to me. We talk about once each week on the phone and will email a couple times per week. I feel like we are developing a nice friendship. She knows I am not looking for a new mother.

I think it is fairly safe to say that she definitely feels more of a connection to me and she has been amazing about not being pushy. She is definitely letting me set the pace of our relationship. As a mother myself, I completely understand where she is coming from and respect her immensely for being patient and waiting until things calm down for me. I mean, who could have predicted that when she chose to find me it would be during such an incredibly crazy time in my life: moving, baby, lifestyle, etc?? No one. But it is what it is and we are working around it.

We are setting up a date to meet in person sometime in May. She is going to come down here for a visit. I am looking forward to meeting her, but not to the balancing act I will have to negotiate with my mom. I am trying to take the same approach with my mom about everything Kathy-related: IT IS NOT ABOUT HER (a-mom), IT IS ABOUT ME AND KATHY. Although my mom feels very threatened and nervous about the whole thing, that is just her really wishing she could control the situation or erase the situation completely- which she can do neither. All I can do is be matter-of-fact about things and only share with her things I want to share. Although, my mom better realize soon that the more she tries to find fault with Kathy and the things I tell her about Kathy, the less I will share with her. So it will come down to what is the stronger desire for my mom: her need to know some of what Kathy tells me OR her need to make herself feel better by putting Kathy down. Hmmm. I don’t think my mom would like those two choices. But again, I am in the driver’s seat here.

So, that is the update for now.

 

My Nest- Owen’s room

Owen’s room 2, originally uploaded by soukii.

I will eventually devote an entire entry to what I’m doing with the kids and the House Fairy, but for now I’d like to show off Owen’s room. He does a great job keeping it “House Fairy” ready! He is actually better at it than Macy, but that is mainly because he has so much less “STUFF.” Macy really LOVES to collect “STUFF.”

 

My Nest- Macy’s room

Macy’s room 3, originally uploaded by soukii.

I will eventually devote an entire entry to what I’m doing with the kids and the House Fairy, but for now I’d like to show off Macy’s room. She does a great job keeping it “House Fairy” ready!

 

My Nest- kitchen/office/dining

Kitchen/office/dining room, originally uploaded by soukii.

This is a multi-purpose space, which is a necessity in a small house. We have the computer and important paperwork in the armoire. This is our only dining table (Owen has set up a game of Monopoly that he played by himself). And this is the counter/ breakfast bar that is part of the kitchen. I just call the whole room the kitchen. “Eat-in” kitchens are all the rage, right???

 

My Nest- the entry

Entry, originally uploaded by soukii.

This is much tinier and darker in person. I have spent a great deal of time thinking about ways to organize and brighten this space. For now I’ve just install hooks and baskets. Eventually I’d like a new front door with windows. Eventually.

 

My Nest- Family room 2

Family room 2, originally uploaded by soukii.

Another view of the family room. Scott, still playing the Wii. Notice no children are playing with him.